confessions

so..i had this revelation the other day of my own selfishness. (and actually this post doesn't have to do with being a mom) i get so weird about my brithday every year, i wonder ' who will remember me, who will forget me' i compare what mike gets from people to what i get. i remember how much money he gets and how little i get....i'm weird, i don't know why and i don't like it. and then the other day i remembered it was henri's birthday....too late though because her birthday had already come and gone, and i didn't email her and it was too late to send something ( i'm in the UK, she in canada) so feel like a jerk, and as well, joanna's birthday is right after mine 4 days after mine. And she sent me a lovely ecard on my birthday, did i remember her birthday? no. i've only managed to remember one person's birthday this month ( my brother's girlfriend) And the thing that really bugs me is that people did not forget me, i got tons of ecards, i got emails, jamie and henri sent over a package with randy and had him mail it to me in scotland, last year when i was in scotland the base sent with my team a whole folder of cards.....it seems like i'm very hyporitical if i'm so worried about what people will do for me and i don't even think of them sometimes. i just want to say i'm sorry to henri and joanna...do not take it as a reflection of what you mean to me, i love you both very much and you are very special to me. i am determined to do better this year in that area, and next year to not be so selfish when it comes to my brithday. i want to stop looking for disappointment..and start celebrating..especially other people.
that's all for now..
here's a comic book pic of kael. more pictures coming soon.

i'm so tired

kael has decided that he woud like to cry and scream in the middle of the night, and that he doesn't want to settle when you try to sooth him...and then if you do happen to get him calmed down he will fall asleep in your arms and refuse to be put down, as soon as his little body touches his crib, he's back to screaming.....3 or 4 times maybe you'll get him down and then when we both are so tired that i just nurse him at around 4 or 5 or 6 am...he stays there for about 2 hrs...so i don't sleep very well...
i'm tired, my eyes are burning and my back hurts...someone help me!!! please pray for Kael to be at peace and sleep and then i will be able to sleep as well and mike as well..:)

little things

Today I was writing in my journal…and I felt as if I had nothing really to say , even in my journal, even just to myself. I’ve never felt this way about Friday’s before..i used to love my work, I loved working with ywam, so it never felt as if ….ooh thank God it’s Friday……but now since I don’t enjoy so much being away from mike or the cleaning that I do for work during the week, and also I’ve been exercising and I don’t enjoy it ( I like that I’m doing it, but I definitely don’t enjoy it) anyways….by Friday my body is exhausted, I don’t get much done on Friday’s. I just read, play with kael and cook….i might even nap with kael…I’m just so tired by the time Friday comes….so Saturday is my favorite day of the week, no exercising, no work, mike is home with me and if kael is up a lot through the night, it doesn’t matter we can be as lazy as we want…
Anyways…..so I was thinking, who am I meant to be? And then I realized I am not ‘meant’ to be anything, I am who I am. And I just have to let myself be myself. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me, I just have to allow myself to enjoy the things I love, to go after the things I want to do/accomplish/be part of …and I just be me. I feel like that should be super easy but for some reason I don’t feel like it’s that easy. So then I was making a list of things I enjoy..little things, simple things not great big ‘visions or dreams’ I have…but just me. So I thought I’d share some of them with you…….i enjoy..
A really good cup of coffee, especially if it is accompanied by something lke cheesecake, chocolate or shortbread cookies….i do enjoy cooking and baking yummy food and of course eating it. Beautiful things, photographs, landscape, paintings, etc..
Book that sucks you right into ti’s pages, that you don’t want to put it down, you think about the characters when you are not reading the book….( this is good too with a cup of coffee)
Magazines….i could buy magazines all the time if they weren’t so expensive….
Going ‘out for coffee’ with a good friend….talking, real talking, not superficial small talk,
Being alone in the house, no one around, no responsibilities, no chores…..just able to do whatever I want…( I haven’t known that feeling for awhile) but I will again one day.
Having dinner with my family, especially right after my dad is back from a trip, we usually have yummy food, like steak and there is lots of catching up….(with coffee afterwards of course)
These might all seems like superficial things…but there are what came to mind, there are all the obvious things I enjoy that I’m not going to go into (like mike and kael and so much about them and my relationship with them) these are just the simple things. Hope you all get to do something today that you enjoy, that just makes you feel like ‘you’.

nothing big

wel....after that last post, i think he slept another great night and now he has not been so great at sleeping..the past few nights have been a bit difficult. so me and mike are operating on not very much sleep. it's not so bad but some mornings it' shard to get out of bed, but no matter what he's like in the middle of the night, in the morning, he's smiling and talking to himself and wants you to get up and play with him....and you can't help but fall in love with him all over again. my eyes are burning cause i am so tired, but life goes on. i'm not really taht upset about it. i don't have much 'work ' to do this week, so i can sit an denjoy kael and read and take naps with him if i need to. i'm dreaming about finally getting a place, last night i went to sleep dreaming about bedding and decorating. one month from today and we get to go back to the states..i'm so excited. and in less than 2 weeks we at least get to move upstairs where we will have our own flat, ( our own bedroom and one for kael, and a kitchen, living room and a table to eat at) oohhh the luxury. it's amazing how you appreciate the small things.
congrats to my dear friends wade ad jo who gave birth to a lovely baby girl....wish i could be there to see her, hold her and cook and clean for you ....love you dearly!!!!!
well, that's about it, nothing big, not much new.

minor miracle..:)

last night, kael slept more hours in a row than he has any other night and not in our bed!! he went to sleep at 630. slept until 11:30 i fed him and he went back to sleep .no crying! then slept until 3am, i fed him again and he woke up at 8am for the morning...
i haven't slept that many hours in a row since my early pregnancy..:) i feel much better.....sleep is a wonderful thing...
here''s a pic..he's going to start eating soon, maybe today or tomorrow.. fun times, he's so great and cute...i love him. i'll post some more pics soon...

another year has come and gone.....and i'm 27

27 is kind of a weird age. it seems alot older than 26, it definitely feels closer to 30. and i was thinking..what have i done with my life?? i am married and i do have a kid..so that is something...ut it's not like you can really set out to accomplish those things..either you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or you dont'..and once you find them, you actually take the plunge....and having a kid...well, that was hard work and still is...but so worth it. my first birthday as a mom...:) kind of funny..he was pretty good, i even got a card from him ( of course he doesn't know that....and mike wrote in it..but sweet none the less) we spend the day in glasgow,...nice to get out of here for awhile.....sent to starbucks..so yummy and such a treat...and mike ran into a guy he went to morocco with..that was fun. and let's see.....he's out getting a movie for us right now, as little kael is sleeping...we are just spending the evening in..having yummy treats and relaxing..kael is already sleeping so that's nice. i got some nice cards from people..no presnts though...my mom's package didn't come.....and mike is just giving me money cause he was goign to buy me a nice watch but our budget is a bit tight and scotland isn;'t that cheap.....so you know, but i have some cash to buy something i want..i just don't know what i want....anyways.....birthdays for me are always a little bit of happiness and dread all mixed in one.....i feel like somethign must've happened to me at some pont in my life because my biggest fear and disappointment is being forgotten or feeling not important.....i knew i wasn't anything this year though, and i tried to really not let things get to me.i just wanted to enjoy the day..and for the most part i did, there was one little thing that got to me and i cried but i'm not letting it take over my day. or my night. as a mother it's weird to think that on this day 27 years ago my mother gave birth to me, not just me, but that she went through labor..:) it really is miracle giving birth and life and God is amazing really. ( my mom only had about 4 hrs of labor as oppossed to my 39 or something..lucky her) anyways....thanks mom for giving birth, thanks for choosing to have me, when others did not keep theirs, thanks for loving me then and now and i know you will love me always..i appreciate you in more ways than ever now that i have a baby. and thanks for loving my child....and dad. thanks to you too, i woudn't be here without either one of you..:) well my dear friends and family..i miss you today.