Well.....i've been reading, well i read, i finished it in two days..the book 'Wanting all the Right things' and it has spoken to exactly where i have been at recently....it was so refreshing and i feel like i'm renewed a bit. In lots of ways. i think mostly just that it wasn't me alone feelng all these things..even my friend heather's blog..i can relate to ( although i do not have twins, so i'm only half as tired/busy etc as she might be) The book is about 'finding a spiritual, blanced and fulfilled ' life
she talks about how we have all these desires for lives of significance, beauty, solitude, intimacy, financial security, etc etc..
the part i could relate to was about how we we all want to be great mothers, great wives, we want to love and serve our family but we feel guilty if we also want to pursue things outside of them..but she said something that really made sense to me....the whole chapter goes into a lot more...but one line that made sense to me was

'don't our children need to see their mothers enjoying parenting and their own adult interests simultaneously? Isn't there enough time in the day to love our kids and ourselves?

there is so much more to it than that about how we feel guilty if we are 24/7 doing something productive/active with or for our kids. how we have this attitude of putting our lives on hold for them until we have 50 yrs old.

i do not want to put my life on hold..i want to enjoy my life with mike and kael. and my own life. I also got an email from my aunt penny and she really encouraged me..she said "You have great instincts and you will do fine. It is great to get lots of advice (info) on how to raise Kael but you in your heart will know whats right.....you have a fantastic foundation from which to base all your decisions on and a great mom and dad to always help. You will do fine."
it was very encouraging.....my mom said similiar things about how we can read all these books and hear all this advice but really in our hearts we know what the right thing to do with our children is...
so that's my thoughts lately...feeling much better and having more energy and feeling more positive......

missing my friends

i'm missing my friends...i feel like all my posts are negative lately ..i feel like i don't have much to say...i feel like i don't really want to be honest on here either. My life isn't all bad...i love my husband and chilld soooo much....kael is so adoreable...he is reaching for things alot now and he's fascinated by watching us eat or drink anything...he just stares..even if he's a little fussy..it' holds his attention and he watches us put these things in our mouth and even sometimes he mimics our mouths.....soo cute! and also, when he's sitting on my lap and i'm wearing my pj's with snowflakes on them, he tries to grab the snowflakes......it's so funny..he grabs at everything..the other day he got a handful of mike's eggs..:) i love him, i love seeing him change and grow.
i wish i had some friends around to share it all with...for you to see him change and grow aas well..i 'm really missing my community in vancouver, i think i took it forgranted when i was there..i knew i appreciated it , especially after kael was born...and so many people brought us meals...people we didn't even know....but too many times i stayed home when i should've called friends...when i should've gone to see my friends..just stopped by their houses more often....ooh how i miss you ....
i want to share my life with people...(besides my immediate family) i know we will again soon..we are eager to get settled , find a church, meet people, make the effort to make friends....we our looking forward to new lives....even though we miss our old lives alot.
i want other moms' around, to really talk about baby's and to ask my questions to about kael, not just people's advice...i want someone to talk about my own feelings with.....you know, like friends, good friends.i'm lonely ( i know it will end, it will pass, etc etc.....this is just how i've been feeling lately...) i think that's all i'll say for now...,(ps my friend kristin took this pic of me..and some more of me at the very end of my pregnancy....they turned out beautiful....i miss her too...:)

advice and being almost 27

well..i was just wondering tonight, do people ever think you know anything..i sometimes wonder that. especially when it comes to kids...i know that people want to be helpful, but sometimes it seems as if they think they know what's best for you and your kid, sometimes i really second guess myself about being a mother, i feel as if,' do i really know what i'm doing' am i doing things right?? is the rest of my life going to be like this??? i hope not. i hope i can realize that i will just do my best....
but you know, there are things i have questions about....and sometimes i'm not sure who to ask, because often you get 10 different opinions from 10 different people.....sometimes i'm so afraid to say what we are doing with kael because of what people will think..will they judge me?? will they think i'm a bad mother?? and this community living thing, i feel it all the time, not from anyone else..it's like a voice in my head that says..do more, do better...but i just want to be honest.
like right now...we are trying to get to kael to go to sleep on his own...it's a hard thing foor us...he doesn't fall asleep on his own, he was on a schedule in wisconsin and he was taking 2-3 naps a day for at least an hour and was goign to bed earlier and would go down pretty easy but would wake up every hour wanting to be fed or just comforted...when we came back to scotland it got worse, he didn't handle the time change well..and neither did me and mike really.....but we are in more of a routine now..all of us, so he is waking up earlier ( the first few days he slept til 10, 1pm, and noon..) and he is taking three naps a day, one hour one in the morning, one 30-60min, and then another one for 1 -1 1/2 hrs....so that's better..but he's not going down easy, he screams, cries, tries to push himself away from me, cause he knows i'm going to feed him, then rock him to sleep....and he doesn't want to fall asleep , it's like he's fighting it really hard, but i know if i don't persist he'll just get fussier and crabbier..but he doesn't seem all that happier now that he's napping better.....not like he was just over a week ago....i dont know...so the question is..do we let him cry it out at night, are there other things we can try.....i read the no cry sleep solution, and another book that is for cry it out..i'm confused, so many differing opinions...it's hard when he cries not to think that i'm scarring him, but so many of my friends at home encouraged me to let him cry and that it is hard initially but it pays off soon, and they all struggled with it too...some had to leave the house cause it was too hard to hear....i just want to be a good mother, i want kael to know He can trust me, that I"m safe, but i also want him to sleep...and to be a happier kid like he was before..ahh....parenting is such a personal thing but i don't feel like i can do it on my own and i don't really want to...
and as i was thinking about people always giving advice, iwas thinking..i'm turning 27 soon, i know it's young, but it sounds kind of old to me, and will it ever stop....how old do i have to be before people think i might know something??

here's an older pic of us as well..me and my new glasses and kael looking not too happy..:) but he's cute even when he's not smiling...ooh i love him!!!

snowboarding....

so...now that i have a computer...internet access more accessible at least..i can give you a few more updates from my time at home....
one update i thought rachel, audrey and jamie would be especially proud of me for...while we were my whole famiy went to the ski hill...myself, mike, mom, dad andy and jen...and i decided to try snowboarding...i didn't do so well. i was on my butt most of the time but i did try. i wanted to go again but it didn't work out. andy and jen were snowboarding past me and my parents were skiing around me asking if i was ok,..but i managed to do it...the bunny hilll at least. so that's my big news. i got to see my friends emily and shelley when i was home....that was fun....we even had a game time with a bunch of friends....umm let's see...i can't really think of much else..except little highlights like my mom being awake in the morning and offering to hang out with kael and letting me go back to sleep...that was especially nice at 5am. umm...getting to wach tv, i was addicted to the home and garden channel when i was home. ( we don't have tv here) and just getting to hang out with mike...and sitting around. so that's the update for christmas..

so...now we are back in scotland. i have started a part time job. this building that mike's dad is in is so big and there is so much going on that they usually hire a cleaner...so i'm the new cleaner i get paid by the project so it doesn't matter how many times i have to stop to feed, change hold kael. which is good...so i've been going two days now and it's definitely making my life a full time...so i'm tired. and jet lag is a killer...no one can tell me it isn't real (Randy)....cause i have a baby and it's real, it definitely screws up his schedule..he was doing so good in tomahawk, taking naps, going to sleep easy..and now it's hard wrk trying to get him back into a routine but we are working on it..tonight is much better he went to sleep at 8 and we'll see if he sleeps for awhle at least..

here's an old pic of him from before we left for christmas
well that's all for now..sorry i haven't been too good at keeping in touch or keeping this thing updated...i miss my friends..

where has the time gone?

well...i know i haven't blogged in awhile. while we were at my parents i just couldn't handle the dial up connection and so i hardly went on the computer and there was no way i was going to try and update this. So, .....christmas was great, i was so happy to be home with my family....it;s just so nice to be home. And for christmas i got lots of great gifts...and a got a macbook pro :) yeah!! from mike, i got it a little early and i knew i was getting it but it's still a great present!!!! and an espresso maker and scrapbooking stuff, books, movies, etc.....you know the usual.....and my dad got kael a violin!! there is a pic of the two of them. my dad got himself one as well and has been practicing and i think he sounds pretty good. So, when kael is older he'll be able to learn from his grandpa and my dad gave us money to put away for violin lessons for when he gets older...
i'm sure there is more to update but that's just a little update for now.....we are back in scotland..and gettin adjusted again, kael and the rest of us are suffering from jet lag...and it isn't easy on his sleep.... or on any of us...but i'm sure he'll adjust again soon...that's all for now.