so my life. is adjusting as you all know. here are some more of my recent thoughts.
kael is almost 1 yr old and i can't believe it. he is laughing alot this week, so much fun and of course makes me laugh more. he brings so much joy to my life.
i finally got to talk to emily on the phone this week and it was nice since she understands all the thoughts and feelings of leaving ywam, i admit i didn't fully understand her thoughts and feelings before but it's nice that she understands mine. it feels like you are starting over. (jamie and audge you may or may not experience some of the same things) but once you 'leave' and enter the real world there are all kinds of emotions and thoughts going on and i up til now i dont even know if i could identify some of them. i'm rambling i know, so ok this week for the first time since we've moved here someone really asked me how it was leaving ywam and was it an adjustment, and it is on so many levels but the thing is ...nobody usually asks you, or seems to care. it's like you you were married and now you aren't but nobody asks you about or seems to think it was a big deal in your life.....but it was our entire life for years, not just a DTS, but years.....and also we've been looking at buying and what are our options, what it take etc...and we have no savings, we have just started making some money so i feel as if we are way behind everyone our age, i feel like a newbie, to life. even though i have had all these amazing opportunities and experiences it just feels like a foreign life.
but this morning in church i realized i left guilt behind when i left ywam. (not like ywam cause me guilt, it was my own feelings but still very real feelings) guilt that i wasn't doing enough, i felt guilty every time we used money on fun stuff, movies, out to eat etc. i still struggle with feelings of guilt sometimes but not as much as i did then. i am more relaxed about my life, about getting up going to work or not going to work. about hanging out with kael all day long, having coffee with a new friend, taking a walk through the park, or sitting and reading in the park while kael sleeps...i don't feel guilty about any of those things and taht feels great. so those are my jumbled thoughts for now.....
p.s. mike has blogged, i know it's been awhile but check it out
4 comments:
hey jessi, good to read your thoughts. yes, its a huge transition leaving ywam...or "life after ywam" and i guess it hits me from time to time. i am very much at the inbetween stage these days...haven't accepted that i've moved on but not having any desire to return. bizarre. wish we could drink coffee and chat my dear. :)
Jess,
everything you voiced, I have felt for years - but you at least got to minister and travel the world. I read Mike's blog about having friends. I feel like I haven't had a true friendship discussion in 2 years. Maybe friendships just evolve, like people do... I don't know really, but I know as long as I am serving others - God fills a little bit of that lonely void in my heart... I think God gives us lonliness to make us realize that we are not complete without Him or without the eternity of heaven's fulfillment of our souls... I miss you. I wish you could know me now... Em
Hi Luv
I like when you said: "it's like you you were married and now you aren't but nobody asks you about or seems to think it was a big deal in your life.....but it was our entire life for years, not just a DTS, but years"
Yup that pretty much sums it up exactly. Cus its not like a job...you live and breath ywam, cus its 24 hours a day...your room mates are ywamers all your friends are ywamers you are always worrying about money so you can be a ywamer...its totally all consuming like a marriage.
Hi Jessi, well said. Did you ever think of being a writer? You put it together so well. I still struggle with guilt when spending money, but that's getting better and who is my life really affecting? I was going on about unreached peoples one day to a friend, making me feel better then anything when I felt God said over top "I care about those Mums who don't know me as well" so this season of life seemed to get's it's approval from the one I needed to hear that from. That helped. Have just posted recently on my blog. Lots of love...
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