10 months and eight teeth

Kael, is now 10 months old and he has eight teeth...:) i can't believe how old he is already. the past few days he seems even more interactive with other people....smiling at the store or the library, getting excited to see other babies...he's so loveable. i wish you all could know him right now. i feel sad for him that not many people get to see him grow up. or maybe i feel sad for me that i don't get to show him off to as many people as i'd like since we don't live by all of you.

takes time i guess

so..we got back from boston and i worked a full week, it felt more than normal but it was just three very long days and then i had the weekend completely off. ;my parents came down yesterday and spent the day with us. soo great ot have my parents here. They got to hang out with kael i nour house and watch him crawl around and climb up everything. We also took him swimming at their hotel pool..and that was fun, Kael's first time swimming. he seemed to like it. he didn't hate it. :) he had fun with grandma and grandpa. and so did i.

but today i feel a bit discouraged again by how long it takes to get to know people. I should feel encouraged, me and mike were invited to dinner by another couple in the church, and another lady int e church asked for my phone number so that me and kael coud come over and hang out with her and her two children. so that's good, people are still wanting to get to know us or make the effort i just struggle with not being known. i feel like i'm having an identiy crisis....not really a crisis but i havea lot of questions going on in my own head, things i want to talk about. sorry to keep talking about all fo htis, i feel like that's all i talk about lately, i don't mean to be so negative. it's just one of those days.......

but today kael seems even more like a little boy. today in church he was smiling at everyone and laughing and this afternoon he took a 2 hr nap!! a miracle...so with kael it's a good day.

boston

Our trip to Boston. While there i had no internet access so i'm catching up on everyone's blogs and now i'll have to give the highlights of our trip.

1. Kael, cute as he is. all bundled up here cause it was cold the first few days..Anyways...kael threw up all over mike on the plane. He had eaten a jar and a half of bananas before we flew and then on the plane he had some breastmilk and so it all came out on mike while he was trying to get kael to sleep....it is funny now. i wish we had a picture there was banana/puke all over mike and kael. And of course the one time i didn't pack an entire extra outfit for kael, i forgot pants...so after that he was in a onesie, socks and a sweatshirt..no pants....and mike was soaking wet.

2. the Boston Public Garden, where all the nice scenic pics of our family are taken. I would go there almost every morning. I would grab a coffee from starbucks and go to the park and sit there for at least an hour, until kael would get antsy to keep moving. it was so relaxing, and peaceful for me.

3. i walked all around boston. the downtown is so small that i was able to see all different parts of the city, i sat in parks along the charles river, walked cobblestone streets, the italian section of town with narrow streets, the 'posch' part of the city with studio apartments that rented for $1500. i loved how the city was new, but there was so much history there as well.

4. we went along most of the freedom trail and toured the Massachusetts States House which was amazing.

5. We visited the Cheers Bar. ( which inspired the tv show cheers..) and had such juicy yummy burgers and nice Boston Sam Adams beers and then when we went to pay, the waitress informed us that the guy sitting next to us ( who we found out , his wife is due in a month with their first baby) Paid for our entire dinner.

6. just getting to hang out and be on vacation with my beautiful son and my amazing husband, who by the way, is the best Father. the pic of him and kael is on Father's day. Mike truly is such an amazing dad. He cares and loves Kael soo much, it is inspiring to watch.

in the first pic you can see kaels' little hand, he is in the ergo on mike's back. :)

off to boston

We are leaving early tomorrow morning for a short jaunt to boston. mike is going to attend an ebay conference while me and kael tool around the city of boston and then at the end of the conference me kael and mike will have some time to explore the city together. i'll take pics and let you know how it's going later. i'm excited to be going.

standing and smiling

well this past week kael has learned the art of pulling himself up and standing! yeah!!! so weird to pick him up in his crib when he is standing there. like he's a real little boy. :) and now he's into the kitchen cupboards, pots and pans. we bought him a toy at a garage sale today where he can stand and play with it. he tries to climb up my leg now. it's a fun age. each age seems to get more and more fun. i'm still thinking about the job. partly i may not have a choice cause mike's job is changing a bit, but i may see if i can get more steady hours so we can make a schedule for our family. i think i will talk to my manager about it all.
but back to kael. so much fun. we have to watch him more and make sur he cna't get into anything that could be trouble. :) ooh and i got a good deal on an ergo baby carrier from craigslist so that i can take it to boston with me! yeah!!!!
kael's funny face by the way is his way of smiling.....:)

should i stay at work?

well friends....since i don't have tons of people here to process my decisions with, you are my family and i would like some advice.
Mike and I are talking about whether i should stay at my starbucks job. I know, i know..i just started. i do feel like i would be a quitter and that is hard for me to do..but we are just wanting to assess whether it is working for our family or not, and is it worth it?

Mike is finding it hard to get much work done when he is home with Kael and his job may involve more responsibilities and so it may not even be possible for him to get all the work he needs to get done if i don't come home. My paychecks are not huge but they do help. We could live without the money it is nice but we could make do without.

Kael has become really clingy lately....i am not sure whether it is a stage or because i have gone back to work. So, i'm struggling with that. i feel guilty that i'm gone more than i was before and wonder if it would just be better for little kael if i was home. He has gotten worse at taking his naps and so it is even harder for mike cause Kael hasn't been napping at all. and maybe if i was home and my schedule wasn't so unpredictable we it would help kael if he had a more predictable schedule.
again, i'm not sure if it matters if it's me or mike home with it or if i'm just feeling guilty.

i kind of like having a job. i like getting out of the house and doing something else, but i wouldn't say i love it. I wouldn't say it would be my number one choice. I think if i made some friends....like today when i went to the zoo with katie and Sarah it was nice to get out of the house, do something with girls, talk to other girls and have fun...so if i have more developed friends maybe i wouldn't need that outlet of starbucks at all.
i would like to pursue other things like being a doula, or trying to make more time for creative things and i could maybe put a little time into that if i didn't have a job.....

as i'm writing i'm seeing more positives about coming home but i'm still unsure about making that choice. any thoughts friends?

i'm going to the zoo

so all through the church service i couldn't stop crying....i was trying, but it wasn't working. lack of sleep probably didn't help but also i was also thinking how i just wanted a friend. it's more than that, i was just realizing today how much my life has changed. i was watching this girl who i just met, she has a five month old baby, she is in charge of the kids ministry at the church, has a part time job, and is on the worship team, now she will also be going to a small group with us, and i was jealous. to be able to have your life already together and your kid is 5 months old. i realized that i'm just starting out. since Kael has been born our lives have been completely unstable. i haven't had friends with me to talk to ( of course i have all my friends, but just not here in the same city) i don't have mom's groups to go to...most people have their lives that are going along, they are part of things, either their church, their friends, their life and so then they have a baby and there is adjusting but some things get to stay the same ( in a way) i didn't get that. my life has not stayed the same at all, it has changed a few times since kael has come along. so i have been adjusting, while trying to start a life. it's exhausting..but so ...at the end of church i wanted to talk to this woman i met the other day...she goes to our chruch, and is having a baby any day....and so i ended up talking to her, and another mum friend i met who has a 1 yr old and we are going to go to the zoo together, the three of us on Tuesday( that is if sarah doesn't have her baby) so that will be great. the zoo here is free too. how cool is that?

Also, me and mike are going to be going to small group, for married couples and we're going to go through the book love and respect. So i'm looking forward to my week ahead.
we also had a newcomers lunch today after church, where we and other new people got to know the church staff a bit better. so i'm feeling much more hopeful.

sick

i don't think i haev been sick since i've had kael, (besides some weird stomach problems because of the c-section) but the other night i didn't feel so well and went to bed, got up the next day, didn't feel horrible but didn't feel great, went to work.......and had a headache, was achy and as soon as i got home i felt horrible.....my stomach started hurting alot, got chills and then really hot...was horrible....was throwing up, etc etc....today i haven't thrown up but still feel really achy and have sharp stomach pains......and this morning i was watching a 'baby story' and was thinking....i do not want to have a baby anytime soon..:) just because of the pain....and the morning sickness, i do not miss that.
and i work tomorrow at 5am, so we'll see how that goes....hope i feel all better. :) anyways...that's the post.......not much to say.

some things.......

well here is one pic of our place...our new home..the rest was a mess so you don't get to see it. my mom is coming to spend the night with us on wednesday cause she is flying out of here in thursday am, and i'm soo grateful...i've been lonely and it'll be nice to see her, maybe we can go for a coffee and chat a bit, get all the thoughts in my head out. and she'll get to see kael, i love him so much and just want to show him off, he's crawling more and more and he soo cute. i love being with him. i appreciate my time more now that i'm working part time....
not much else to say.....except still really missing my friends....

girls

the last few days i've been thinking about my need for friends. here we are in a new city, and really i do like it. I think it's great here, i like my new job, i like our place etc....etc..... i just really want a friend. i miss just being able to talk. Mike is a great husband..and he listens to me, and all that, but there is just something different about getting together with a really good girlfriend, over a hot cup of coffee and just talking. maybe about something that is on your mind, maybe just whatever comes to mind. I feel like sometimes when i talk with a friend...more comes out of me than i even realize is in my head. know what i mean? and my head feels full right now and i really would like to talk to someone. get all the stuff in my head out into the open....but for now i guess i'll have to journal, or blog or talk to kael..:) i don't know.... but i do know i miss my friends.

Congrats!!!!

just wanted to say congrats to my friends Audrey and Ralph!!! Audrey is on staff with YWAM Japan and Ralph has been visiting her. During his visit he planned a beautiful proposal!!! Just want you two to know I"m so excited for you and i don't envy the next 7 months you have to spend apart. Hope it goes fast and enjoy the time you have together.

more family pics

bibs and other things

this weekend was so great. to be able to be so close to home...we went up for the weekend. on the first afternoon there, i was getting kael ready so that my mom could feed him. And instead of putting the bib on Kael, i went to put it on my mother, and the only reason i didn't keep it on her was because it didn't fit. :) it was hilarious....i felt like i left my brain in madison because although i did pack lots of diapers for the weekend, i forgot Kael's pj's and my own underwear. but i did have a swimsuit bottom so i had somethign gto wear while washing my only pair i brought with.
kael is crawling. just this week he started. it's so funny to watch him. he pulls himself forward like he is a war victim or something, dragging his feet behind him. So at my parents house he discovered this fun grate that he likes to bang on.....
And andy and his girlfriend home this weekend as well......i think andy had lots of fun with kael as well. my first mother's day i think went really well. :) it was just nice to be with my family and have lots of hands to hold kael.

mother's day is coming....

so...i've worked 4 days now. i'm learning more and more. and i love the free drinks.
So, this weekend we are going 'up north' to Tomahawk. Andy and Jen ( his girlfriend) are going as well so for mother's day , my mom will have all her kids with her. And grandson. I"m really looking forward to it. Relaxing, hanging out with the family, seeing andy hang out with his nephew. I love being with my family. This is partly why we moved home. so i could have these opportunities. all so close, and just decide to be together. i'll have to take some pics of the weekend to share with all of you. hope you all have a wonderful mother's day..especially any new moms...enjoy the day.

bad for diets

it'll probably get old but getting free drinks while you are working is great. it's not so good for my diet i'm suppossed to be on again. my second day was better than my first. i worked at the register today and had some taste testing...:) do miss kael though but it's so nice to know he's with his dad....i don't even think he minds at all. he's got his daddy....he is at such a fun age.....so much personality. pictures to come soon.

first day

well, i had my first day at work. nothing exciting so far, i just read for 4 hrs straight. i did get a free drink. So nothig much to report. it was ok. mostly in my head i was thinking..do i really want to work? i know that i said i did, and everything, but we'll see. tomorrow i work a longer day and i'm not sure how i feel about being away from kael for so long....i guess we'll see how all of this goes. i could love it i could hate it. i dont think i'll hate it.

family

Last night we went to a benefit dinner put on by ywam madison. it was so awesome to be with ywamer's again. to be able to give money to other people not be on the receiving end. The money all went towards scholarships for people to do DTS or the school of the bible here in madison. And we really enjoyed meeting one of the director's and other staff there. for me to it was one of the few social things i got to do last week, so it was just nice to be out to talk to other people. And also so so nice to be with ywamer's.
And today at church we met some other couples, we're invited over for dinner. The pastor remembered us. And we definitely feel like we are in the right place. And i start my job tomorrow. fun huh??

I just wanted to say after my last post i wasn't expecting any responses but i was very encouraged by all the response i did get. The comments and the emails. i felt very listened too...and loved. thanks so much guys. i will keep blogging, little things and what's on my heart.....

i start my job tomorrow so i'll have to let you know how it goes. mike is just hanging pictures right now so after that maybe i'll get some pics taken of the place to show ya'll.

my life

well guys. i'm not sure where i stand on this blogging thing anymore. i used to share what was really going on with me, but for some reason i'm not so sure i want to do that anymore, be so vulnerable. i feel like i could share little things about my life, but it just seems to boring to write in a blog. there hasn't been much blogging lately, partly due to all the moving around, but partly due to the fact that i'm just not sure what to say anymore. i'm not sure who is reading this and i'm not sure exactly what they want to hear from me.
i'll write anyways....

i'm actually amazed at how quickly we seem to be settling here in madison. we don't really know anyone and yet we moved here, but we're pretty sure we have found a church already, the pastor actually came up and introduced himself. (turns out he knows my pastor in tomahawk) i made a friend, another mom, who i think i will call to go for coffee tomorrow, i have a job, (which i am amazed that i got the job at the location i wanted...five minutes from our apartment...and they were hiring, she hired me on the spot....
and we are building our own business and things are going really well so far.

so i have been doing good. but life catches up a bit. i think possibly i am just hormonal and it is near that 'time of the month' so it may be why today i'm feeling a bit unsure of myself. a bit tired. emotionally. i'm pretty sure kael is teething and i just want him to get into a routine, i want him to feel settled. I"m feeling that i have no time for myself. no time to think. and i don't yet have any other moms around here to talk to about it)( i will soon) but i miss my friends...i really miss joanna lately...i would just love to sit with her and cry. that's how i feel at this moment.

when i wake up i may not feel like crying anymore....i will still miss joanna though. but life is moving forward and it is quite positive i'm just having a moment. and i guess even though at the beginning i said i wasn't sure about really sharing myself anymore and i guess i did it again. blogging feels like someone is listening....

finally

ok, here's a recent pic of us together, me with my new hair cut.
i'll take pics of the place once it's a it cleaner. i am really enjoying setting up our home, i'm really happy that i have a job...and i'm loving the age kael is...

we have a home!!!!

well, sorry friends. it's been so long. We are now living in Madison. We moved in on Friday. my dad hauled all our stuff down here in his big Green Semi Truck. He parked out front and while my mom watched the baby, the rest of us (mostly the boys and then on sunday i went into Starbucks, the one five minutes from our new house) and asked if they were hiring, and they were. So I had an interview on Monday and i was hired. So we have a new home, and i have a new job. And it's great. i will send pics soon. i'm feeling a bit sick, soo that's why this is short...but i had to give an update. Love you all and miss you.

moving soon

well peeps..
sorry for the delay in writing. We are leaving Louisiana tomorrow, it's been a great visit. Kael loves his mamma and pappa ( that's grandma and grandpa ) and i'm sure he'll be sad to leave. but did love our trip. and today my mother in law and her new husband paid for me to get a new hair cut and highlights.i'll take pics and send them soon.
And on Friday we are moving to Madison. yeah!!!!! i'll send more updates soon

updates.

I've taken the test..
i am a faithful leader...
interesting test.

well friends..it's been awhile. today kael was adoreable, his aunt lisa gave him a little suit and he was adoreable in it. soo adoreable. he is such a content baby, smiling alot and loves people, he has to look around and see what's going on, where he is and who is around him. loves to be held by anyone and play with his grandparents....
we're having fun in louisiana...and me and mike are getting some rest cause mamma and pappa take him in the mornings ....

ooh and more news. we got a place in madison. we've sent in our deposit and we move in april 19th...i'll send pics when we get settled.

land of dial up

sorry it's been so long, i hope there are still people reading this..so just wanted to let you know that we have been at my parents since we got back to the states and it's the land of dial up so i haven't really been on the computer much. right now we're at linda and ronnie's house in louisiana, ( that's mike's mom and husband) we'll be here for 12 days so i'll hopefully get in a real update soon..
thanks for all the comments on my weight loss...i'll be in touch soon. :)

at least 16 pounds

k peeps..so this whole time that we have been back in scotland, me and mike have been on this special thing called 'body for life' it's a workout/ excercise program and eating diet. it's supposed to help guys get in shape and gain muscle and help girls lose weight and tone muscle. So i'm not sure what my actual body-fat percentage was last time, but i do know that I've managed to lose at least 16 pounds on this diet. I know alot of you haven't seen me in awhile, and you haven't really seen me since right after i had kael. i feel great. i feel much better and more confident. I'll post some pics when i get back to the states and have other clothes beside my maternity clothes i'm still wearing. ( or the clothes i bought while i was larger) I've wanted to lose weight for awhile and i'm so relieved that i actually managed to do it. I've got more weight to lose so i'll still be working on it, but it's such a good start i think. so i'm celebrating. (not by eating tons of food..;)

four days left

ooh well, i didn't realize some of you didn't know we were moving back to wisconsin. We are leaving here on wednesday...yeah!!! and will be staying with my parents until we find our own place. we are planning on living in madison, wi. that is the plan. we don't really know many people there , have never really been there, and so we are just moving forward, the decision makes sense and doesn't make sense all at the same time. We are looking forward to being on our own again, i'm looking forward to cooking in my own kitchen and for kael to have his own bedroom. for us to have our own bedroom. For our little family to relax a bit. so not much to say, but just a little more info on our upcoming move, if you think about it, please pray for smooth travel for kael, ( and us) and also for us to find an awesome place in madison, the right price, and place. and also for kael to adjust well to the time difference. he has been teething all week, so i'm tired, very tired in most every way. but excited about moving into the next season. stayed tuned.......

almost over

It's almost over, Our time here. We had friends come down for teh weekend, Our friends Rodney and Eva and there little girl Abby. Abby is 13 months and so cute. She puts everything in her mouth or licks. This weekend she even licked an air freshner...she didn't like that very much Her and Kael seemed to like each other, they would reach for each other's hands. Although she tried stealing his dummy all the time..:) We had a great time with them, it's nice to have friends, to feel normal for the weekend. relax, laugh, talk. good times. and now it's almost a week til we leave..yeah!!! sooo great! so here are some more pics of kael..

first tooth

kael got his first tooth. no wonder he was screaming in the night.
we went away for the weekend to this Loch and stayed in a Log Cabin. It was gorgeous, so relaxing and restful. And kael slept like a dream. so amazing. i got so much sleep, and felt great. and i didn't have to cook, it really was a vacation. here are some pics of us on our weekend.
kael loves to grab your face. there is he grabbing his grandpa's face.

i'm stealing jamies test.....here's mine

well, i thought it was so much fun taking jamie's test i thought i'd do my own..


www.testriffic.com/friendtest/2514901
i can't get it to go so you can click on it......so you might have to cut and paste..sorry...

self -confidence

So, i've had a recent revelation. it might seem like common sense or maybe you hadn't thought about it at all..but this is my revelation: it takes alot of self-confidence to be a mom.
confidence to raise your kid the way you think is best for your kid. confidence to do the right thing. you know in high school when there's the 'cool' kids, and the jocks, etc...there are different groups, well partly i feel like in motherhood there is that too....there is the 'attachement parenting' group, there is the Baby Wise people, those that immunize , those that don't. etc etc.....and it's a bit like peer pressure, or the thought that maybe i'm doing the wrong thing, should i be doing something else. And maybe other mothers dont actually struggle with this,but i've realized in the past 6 months my own fear of what people think in regards to some things, For example: (living in community...there is a woman who lives right across from us who can hear every cry and wecan hear her cough) and i'm afraid that if kael cries she's going to think i'm a bad parent, stupid, i know. but these thought have crossed my mind. why do i care? i don't know. but i want to not care and i want to do what is right for kael, do my best, and not worry what others think, just know that I love him and I am not a bad parent.
looking back on this time i feel like God is just wanting me to become myself. and to let go of a few things. it's so easy to judge when we are on the outside looking in, or just so easy to idealize certain things, and i've had to let go of some of those things...like making my own baby food, it's something i really wanted to do...but since we have no kitchen it's a bit hard, so i gave in and bought jarred food and kael is fine, and he likes it. Also, i didn't want him to use a dummy, (pacificer, soother, Nuk, etc) but i'm so glad that he does, otherwise he would really like to be nursing all day long....
so i've determined that there is no formula, there is wisdom you can learn from other people, but at the end of the day, you have to be confident in your ability to raise your own kid. Be humble enough to learn from others, and be strong enough to do the right thing. so those are my thoughts for today.

confessions

so..i had this revelation the other day of my own selfishness. (and actually this post doesn't have to do with being a mom) i get so weird about my brithday every year, i wonder ' who will remember me, who will forget me' i compare what mike gets from people to what i get. i remember how much money he gets and how little i get....i'm weird, i don't know why and i don't like it. and then the other day i remembered it was henri's birthday....too late though because her birthday had already come and gone, and i didn't email her and it was too late to send something ( i'm in the UK, she in canada) so feel like a jerk, and as well, joanna's birthday is right after mine 4 days after mine. And she sent me a lovely ecard on my birthday, did i remember her birthday? no. i've only managed to remember one person's birthday this month ( my brother's girlfriend) And the thing that really bugs me is that people did not forget me, i got tons of ecards, i got emails, jamie and henri sent over a package with randy and had him mail it to me in scotland, last year when i was in scotland the base sent with my team a whole folder of cards.....it seems like i'm very hyporitical if i'm so worried about what people will do for me and i don't even think of them sometimes. i just want to say i'm sorry to henri and joanna...do not take it as a reflection of what you mean to me, i love you both very much and you are very special to me. i am determined to do better this year in that area, and next year to not be so selfish when it comes to my brithday. i want to stop looking for disappointment..and start celebrating..especially other people.
that's all for now..
here's a comic book pic of kael. more pictures coming soon.

i'm so tired

kael has decided that he woud like to cry and scream in the middle of the night, and that he doesn't want to settle when you try to sooth him...and then if you do happen to get him calmed down he will fall asleep in your arms and refuse to be put down, as soon as his little body touches his crib, he's back to screaming.....3 or 4 times maybe you'll get him down and then when we both are so tired that i just nurse him at around 4 or 5 or 6 am...he stays there for about 2 hrs...so i don't sleep very well...
i'm tired, my eyes are burning and my back hurts...someone help me!!! please pray for Kael to be at peace and sleep and then i will be able to sleep as well and mike as well..:)

little things

Today I was writing in my journal…and I felt as if I had nothing really to say , even in my journal, even just to myself. I’ve never felt this way about Friday’s before..i used to love my work, I loved working with ywam, so it never felt as if ….ooh thank God it’s Friday……but now since I don’t enjoy so much being away from mike or the cleaning that I do for work during the week, and also I’ve been exercising and I don’t enjoy it ( I like that I’m doing it, but I definitely don’t enjoy it) anyways….by Friday my body is exhausted, I don’t get much done on Friday’s. I just read, play with kael and cook….i might even nap with kael…I’m just so tired by the time Friday comes….so Saturday is my favorite day of the week, no exercising, no work, mike is home with me and if kael is up a lot through the night, it doesn’t matter we can be as lazy as we want…
Anyways…..so I was thinking, who am I meant to be? And then I realized I am not ‘meant’ to be anything, I am who I am. And I just have to let myself be myself. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me, I just have to allow myself to enjoy the things I love, to go after the things I want to do/accomplish/be part of …and I just be me. I feel like that should be super easy but for some reason I don’t feel like it’s that easy. So then I was making a list of things I enjoy..little things, simple things not great big ‘visions or dreams’ I have…but just me. So I thought I’d share some of them with you…….i enjoy..
A really good cup of coffee, especially if it is accompanied by something lke cheesecake, chocolate or shortbread cookies….i do enjoy cooking and baking yummy food and of course eating it. Beautiful things, photographs, landscape, paintings, etc..
Book that sucks you right into ti’s pages, that you don’t want to put it down, you think about the characters when you are not reading the book….( this is good too with a cup of coffee)
Magazines….i could buy magazines all the time if they weren’t so expensive….
Going ‘out for coffee’ with a good friend….talking, real talking, not superficial small talk,
Being alone in the house, no one around, no responsibilities, no chores…..just able to do whatever I want…( I haven’t known that feeling for awhile) but I will again one day.
Having dinner with my family, especially right after my dad is back from a trip, we usually have yummy food, like steak and there is lots of catching up….(with coffee afterwards of course)
These might all seems like superficial things…but there are what came to mind, there are all the obvious things I enjoy that I’m not going to go into (like mike and kael and so much about them and my relationship with them) these are just the simple things. Hope you all get to do something today that you enjoy, that just makes you feel like ‘you’.

nothing big

wel....after that last post, i think he slept another great night and now he has not been so great at sleeping..the past few nights have been a bit difficult. so me and mike are operating on not very much sleep. it's not so bad but some mornings it' shard to get out of bed, but no matter what he's like in the middle of the night, in the morning, he's smiling and talking to himself and wants you to get up and play with him....and you can't help but fall in love with him all over again. my eyes are burning cause i am so tired, but life goes on. i'm not really taht upset about it. i don't have much 'work ' to do this week, so i can sit an denjoy kael and read and take naps with him if i need to. i'm dreaming about finally getting a place, last night i went to sleep dreaming about bedding and decorating. one month from today and we get to go back to the states..i'm so excited. and in less than 2 weeks we at least get to move upstairs where we will have our own flat, ( our own bedroom and one for kael, and a kitchen, living room and a table to eat at) oohhh the luxury. it's amazing how you appreciate the small things.
congrats to my dear friends wade ad jo who gave birth to a lovely baby girl....wish i could be there to see her, hold her and cook and clean for you ....love you dearly!!!!!
well, that's about it, nothing big, not much new.

minor miracle..:)

last night, kael slept more hours in a row than he has any other night and not in our bed!! he went to sleep at 630. slept until 11:30 i fed him and he went back to sleep .no crying! then slept until 3am, i fed him again and he woke up at 8am for the morning...
i haven't slept that many hours in a row since my early pregnancy..:) i feel much better.....sleep is a wonderful thing...
here''s a pic..he's going to start eating soon, maybe today or tomorrow.. fun times, he's so great and cute...i love him. i'll post some more pics soon...

another year has come and gone.....and i'm 27

27 is kind of a weird age. it seems alot older than 26, it definitely feels closer to 30. and i was thinking..what have i done with my life?? i am married and i do have a kid..so that is something...ut it's not like you can really set out to accomplish those things..either you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or you dont'..and once you find them, you actually take the plunge....and having a kid...well, that was hard work and still is...but so worth it. my first birthday as a mom...:) kind of funny..he was pretty good, i even got a card from him ( of course he doesn't know that....and mike wrote in it..but sweet none the less) we spend the day in glasgow,...nice to get out of here for awhile.....sent to starbucks..so yummy and such a treat...and mike ran into a guy he went to morocco with..that was fun. and let's see.....he's out getting a movie for us right now, as little kael is sleeping...we are just spending the evening in..having yummy treats and relaxing..kael is already sleeping so that's nice. i got some nice cards from people..no presnts though...my mom's package didn't come.....and mike is just giving me money cause he was goign to buy me a nice watch but our budget is a bit tight and scotland isn;'t that cheap.....so you know, but i have some cash to buy something i want..i just don't know what i want....anyways.....birthdays for me are always a little bit of happiness and dread all mixed in one.....i feel like somethign must've happened to me at some pont in my life because my biggest fear and disappointment is being forgotten or feeling not important.....i knew i wasn't anything this year though, and i tried to really not let things get to me.i just wanted to enjoy the day..and for the most part i did, there was one little thing that got to me and i cried but i'm not letting it take over my day. or my night. as a mother it's weird to think that on this day 27 years ago my mother gave birth to me, not just me, but that she went through labor..:) it really is miracle giving birth and life and God is amazing really. ( my mom only had about 4 hrs of labor as oppossed to my 39 or something..lucky her) anyways....thanks mom for giving birth, thanks for choosing to have me, when others did not keep theirs, thanks for loving me then and now and i know you will love me always..i appreciate you in more ways than ever now that i have a baby. and thanks for loving my child....and dad. thanks to you too, i woudn't be here without either one of you..:) well my dear friends and family..i miss you today.

Well.....i've been reading, well i read, i finished it in two days..the book 'Wanting all the Right things' and it has spoken to exactly where i have been at recently....it was so refreshing and i feel like i'm renewed a bit. In lots of ways. i think mostly just that it wasn't me alone feelng all these things..even my friend heather's blog..i can relate to ( although i do not have twins, so i'm only half as tired/busy etc as she might be) The book is about 'finding a spiritual, blanced and fulfilled ' life
she talks about how we have all these desires for lives of significance, beauty, solitude, intimacy, financial security, etc etc..
the part i could relate to was about how we we all want to be great mothers, great wives, we want to love and serve our family but we feel guilty if we also want to pursue things outside of them..but she said something that really made sense to me....the whole chapter goes into a lot more...but one line that made sense to me was

'don't our children need to see their mothers enjoying parenting and their own adult interests simultaneously? Isn't there enough time in the day to love our kids and ourselves?

there is so much more to it than that about how we feel guilty if we are 24/7 doing something productive/active with or for our kids. how we have this attitude of putting our lives on hold for them until we have 50 yrs old.

i do not want to put my life on hold..i want to enjoy my life with mike and kael. and my own life. I also got an email from my aunt penny and she really encouraged me..she said "You have great instincts and you will do fine. It is great to get lots of advice (info) on how to raise Kael but you in your heart will know whats right.....you have a fantastic foundation from which to base all your decisions on and a great mom and dad to always help. You will do fine."
it was very encouraging.....my mom said similiar things about how we can read all these books and hear all this advice but really in our hearts we know what the right thing to do with our children is...
so that's my thoughts lately...feeling much better and having more energy and feeling more positive......

missing my friends

i'm missing my friends...i feel like all my posts are negative lately ..i feel like i don't have much to say...i feel like i don't really want to be honest on here either. My life isn't all bad...i love my husband and chilld soooo much....kael is so adoreable...he is reaching for things alot now and he's fascinated by watching us eat or drink anything...he just stares..even if he's a little fussy..it' holds his attention and he watches us put these things in our mouth and even sometimes he mimics our mouths.....soo cute! and also, when he's sitting on my lap and i'm wearing my pj's with snowflakes on them, he tries to grab the snowflakes......it's so funny..he grabs at everything..the other day he got a handful of mike's eggs..:) i love him, i love seeing him change and grow.
i wish i had some friends around to share it all with...for you to see him change and grow aas well..i 'm really missing my community in vancouver, i think i took it forgranted when i was there..i knew i appreciated it , especially after kael was born...and so many people brought us meals...people we didn't even know....but too many times i stayed home when i should've called friends...when i should've gone to see my friends..just stopped by their houses more often....ooh how i miss you ....
i want to share my life with people...(besides my immediate family) i know we will again soon..we are eager to get settled , find a church, meet people, make the effort to make friends....we our looking forward to new lives....even though we miss our old lives alot.
i want other moms' around, to really talk about baby's and to ask my questions to about kael, not just people's advice...i want someone to talk about my own feelings with.....you know, like friends, good friends.i'm lonely ( i know it will end, it will pass, etc etc.....this is just how i've been feeling lately...) i think that's all i'll say for now...,(ps my friend kristin took this pic of me..and some more of me at the very end of my pregnancy....they turned out beautiful....i miss her too...:)

advice and being almost 27

well..i was just wondering tonight, do people ever think you know anything..i sometimes wonder that. especially when it comes to kids...i know that people want to be helpful, but sometimes it seems as if they think they know what's best for you and your kid, sometimes i really second guess myself about being a mother, i feel as if,' do i really know what i'm doing' am i doing things right?? is the rest of my life going to be like this??? i hope not. i hope i can realize that i will just do my best....
but you know, there are things i have questions about....and sometimes i'm not sure who to ask, because often you get 10 different opinions from 10 different people.....sometimes i'm so afraid to say what we are doing with kael because of what people will think..will they judge me?? will they think i'm a bad mother?? and this community living thing, i feel it all the time, not from anyone else..it's like a voice in my head that says..do more, do better...but i just want to be honest.
like right now...we are trying to get to kael to go to sleep on his own...it's a hard thing foor us...he doesn't fall asleep on his own, he was on a schedule in wisconsin and he was taking 2-3 naps a day for at least an hour and was goign to bed earlier and would go down pretty easy but would wake up every hour wanting to be fed or just comforted...when we came back to scotland it got worse, he didn't handle the time change well..and neither did me and mike really.....but we are in more of a routine now..all of us, so he is waking up earlier ( the first few days he slept til 10, 1pm, and noon..) and he is taking three naps a day, one hour one in the morning, one 30-60min, and then another one for 1 -1 1/2 hrs....so that's better..but he's not going down easy, he screams, cries, tries to push himself away from me, cause he knows i'm going to feed him, then rock him to sleep....and he doesn't want to fall asleep , it's like he's fighting it really hard, but i know if i don't persist he'll just get fussier and crabbier..but he doesn't seem all that happier now that he's napping better.....not like he was just over a week ago....i dont know...so the question is..do we let him cry it out at night, are there other things we can try.....i read the no cry sleep solution, and another book that is for cry it out..i'm confused, so many differing opinions...it's hard when he cries not to think that i'm scarring him, but so many of my friends at home encouraged me to let him cry and that it is hard initially but it pays off soon, and they all struggled with it too...some had to leave the house cause it was too hard to hear....i just want to be a good mother, i want kael to know He can trust me, that I"m safe, but i also want him to sleep...and to be a happier kid like he was before..ahh....parenting is such a personal thing but i don't feel like i can do it on my own and i don't really want to...
and as i was thinking about people always giving advice, iwas thinking..i'm turning 27 soon, i know it's young, but it sounds kind of old to me, and will it ever stop....how old do i have to be before people think i might know something??

here's an older pic of us as well..me and my new glasses and kael looking not too happy..:) but he's cute even when he's not smiling...ooh i love him!!!

snowboarding....

so...now that i have a computer...internet access more accessible at least..i can give you a few more updates from my time at home....
one update i thought rachel, audrey and jamie would be especially proud of me for...while we were my whole famiy went to the ski hill...myself, mike, mom, dad andy and jen...and i decided to try snowboarding...i didn't do so well. i was on my butt most of the time but i did try. i wanted to go again but it didn't work out. andy and jen were snowboarding past me and my parents were skiing around me asking if i was ok,..but i managed to do it...the bunny hilll at least. so that's my big news. i got to see my friends emily and shelley when i was home....that was fun....we even had a game time with a bunch of friends....umm let's see...i can't really think of much else..except little highlights like my mom being awake in the morning and offering to hang out with kael and letting me go back to sleep...that was especially nice at 5am. umm...getting to wach tv, i was addicted to the home and garden channel when i was home. ( we don't have tv here) and just getting to hang out with mike...and sitting around. so that's the update for christmas..

so...now we are back in scotland. i have started a part time job. this building that mike's dad is in is so big and there is so much going on that they usually hire a cleaner...so i'm the new cleaner i get paid by the project so it doesn't matter how many times i have to stop to feed, change hold kael. which is good...so i've been going two days now and it's definitely making my life a full time...so i'm tired. and jet lag is a killer...no one can tell me it isn't real (Randy)....cause i have a baby and it's real, it definitely screws up his schedule..he was doing so good in tomahawk, taking naps, going to sleep easy..and now it's hard wrk trying to get him back into a routine but we are working on it..tonight is much better he went to sleep at 8 and we'll see if he sleeps for awhle at least..

here's an old pic of him from before we left for christmas
well that's all for now..sorry i haven't been too good at keeping in touch or keeping this thing updated...i miss my friends..

where has the time gone?

well...i know i haven't blogged in awhile. while we were at my parents i just couldn't handle the dial up connection and so i hardly went on the computer and there was no way i was going to try and update this. So, .....christmas was great, i was so happy to be home with my family....it;s just so nice to be home. And for christmas i got lots of great gifts...and a got a macbook pro :) yeah!! from mike, i got it a little early and i knew i was getting it but it's still a great present!!!! and an espresso maker and scrapbooking stuff, books, movies, etc.....you know the usual.....and my dad got kael a violin!! there is a pic of the two of them. my dad got himself one as well and has been practicing and i think he sounds pretty good. So, when kael is older he'll be able to learn from his grandpa and my dad gave us money to put away for violin lessons for when he gets older...
i'm sure there is more to update but that's just a little update for now.....we are back in scotland..and gettin adjusted again, kael and the rest of us are suffering from jet lag...and it isn't easy on his sleep.... or on any of us...but i'm sure he'll adjust again soon...that's all for now.

leave for home soon.

we leave on thursday for the states and i am so excited..just another pic of kael. i gotta go now, he's crying

Kael Pics

correction

Henri is still in ywam, working of course with randy with ywam nexia...so sorry about that. just wanted to correct my post below.

rachel's partner (or BF)

Hello. Well......this weekend has been absolutely great. And actually since my last post i've had a few emails and comments from people and i tend to agree witheveryone..i think it is a mixture of things we have choosen...(by choosing to leave ywam and live in the states it takes some work to mike's visa....etc..) and also i am tired, and having a kid does just bring your life under a new perspective and in my case that means, i want some more space of our own and i want a home..and in the long run, six months here isn't that long if it will help us save up money toward a house and let us get mike's visa.....so i'm adjusting to the idea, i think i will take other people's comments and maybe take some online courses or try to work on some creative ventures while being a mom....
so that's that...and now this weekend ..friday night, we picked up Rachel, Henri and Rachel's Boyfriend from the train station in Glasgow..headed to starbucks to catch up ...and then came backk to the house..played dutch blitz and after we were all tired....headed to our rooms....Because this is a big place there are lots of rooms, so one of the girls put nametags on the rooms and on Tim's room (rachels' boyfriend) it said:
rachel's partner...:) and they couldn't remember Henri's name so on their room it said Rachael and her friend..:) we thought it was pretty funny.
and it was just soo relaxing to be with my friends again....to hang out, we went bowlling and the boys kicked our butts...but we still had a great time.....and since none of us are i ywam, we could think about doing stuff ad not worry about the money so much....i feel like it was a good break for me, to be with people where i feel myself, peope that know me.
and here are my thoughts on rachel's boyfriend.....
i really like him. i forgot to get a picture of him....but he's good looking and really nice. He's quieter..but maybe that's cause he didn't really know us and in a way i felt bad for him cause alot of times we were talking about things that he didn't know about or people....but it's okay, cause another part of the time i was the oddball cause they were reminiscing about shows from here they used to watch and since i'm the only non-british one among them i had no clue what they were talking about....

but anyways, back to rachel's partner...i can't say that i got to know him tons but what i saw i really liked him....i think they are very good together, he seems to really care about her and they are very relaxed together. overall i approve. :) so that's my weekend......and now mike's sister is coming today actually....the first time kael will see his aunt lisa. fun times......ell my friends i miss you all too bad you all weren't here for a wonderful dutch blitzed filled weekend.
i'll post pics soon ..

bored

so.....we have decided and it has been recommended that we stay another 6 months...i know it is the right decision to make, it will make sure we get mike's visa, and it wil help us save up for a downpayment for a house...but in all honesty..it's so hard for me to adjust to the thought that we will be here for another 6 months..i'm bored right now. not having our own place is getting to me, i like having my own space..i like cooking meals..i like going a whole day and not seeing anyone but mike and kael. i love being a mom, but i'm finding it hard having nothing else to do, eating all of our meals with my in-laws ( they are very nice people) i just want my own dinner time with my own family, i want to cook a meal just for us and be able to share with mike all the funny things kael did that day......i want to relax....i dont' want to make small talk everyday....i want a place of my own..see right now, we have one room, which is always a mess because its small and cramped and i'm not sure what else to do..we don't have a kitchen that i can cook in...i have to either run up and down stairs or down the hall or both for a cup of tea, i have to drag the moniter with me everywhere cause i can't hear kael if he cries...the thought of the next 6 months being like this is driving me a bit mental..but i know God can do miracles..so i want to see one..i want to see Him provide a little more space for our family...all this moving doens't make sense to me...anyone have any theories on why our life has been this way?? i'm confused and yet i will praise God, i will trust that He has to come up with a solution....
don't worry i'm not depressed or anything and i love kael to pieces..i enjoy having lunchtimes with mike and evenings....we make do..but i need a change..i need something different.

visitors and more pics.

hello all. well, i've just had almost a whole week of visitors....so that definitely makes the time go by faster but more important than that..i get to see people i love and care about. Last weekend our friends Rodney and Eva came down with their adoreable little girl Abby....she's 9 months old and i can't believe how much she's moving around, she tries to put everything in her mouth...everything...she was touching our toes and licking people's shoes..trying to put my slippers in her mouth....she's so cute..
and of course we loved hanging out with our friends.....and then on monday my friend from norway, (that i met in mexico) Franziska came....and it was so nice to be able to see her, to hear how she is doing, to hear her heart....we went to the sea and hada little bit of time there before the rain came pouring down on us...it was a great adventure trying to find our way around the little back roads of Scotland...but we managed and had a wonderful time..
now it's me and kael again. and mike of course...and this weekend, we are planning on doing nothing but vegging...me and mike and kaell.....watching movies, eating...and relaxing.....
so i hope you enjoy your weekend as well.....

kael

well here are a few pics of kael.....
so, i've just decided to enjoy my time here.....the enjoy the little things to just take it day by day.......this week has gone by so fast. not much more time before christmas..right now we are not sure if we will be coming back here after christmas or not...we'll see..anyways.......here's my baby...isn't he cute??

open season

friday night i actually got to leave the house wtihout the baby....and it's such a great thing to have a break. i love my son so much..but it's nice. so me and mike went to open season while the grandparents watched the little one...it was a funny movie and it was nice to be able to sit through a whole movie and not have to get up for something......and then when we got home of course i missed him and it's been a great weekend, we have just been hanging out , i've gotten to catch up on some emails....and we bought 24 season 5 on itunes...so we're in the process of downloading those and watching them.......sooo good....fun times. kael is smiling so much..it's so great...he's such a chunker it's awesome.
anyways.....that's all....

the role of motherhood.

the funny thing about the title of this post and the whole concept is that i have tried to start this blog at least 4 times.....but who's counting. finally it's almost 530pm and for once kael is really sleeping...probably cause he is so tired from only having short naps all day long...ones that don't really count and then gets so fussy cause he's tired.
ANYWAYS....being a stay at home mom is alot more work than i thought it would be. and for me at the moment, it's not really 'work' like housework...i don't have a kitchen so i can't really make meals..(we mostly eat with george and jo..except sometimes we eat on our own if i cook in their kitchen which is upstairs..) laundry is down the hall...and i've gotten to do two loads..but one stayed in the dryer for days cause i just didn't have time to go get it....

i'm alone so much, holding him either sleeping or eating that i have finished 4 books since i have been here and this afternoon i just couldn't bring myself to read anything else, so i just took a nap with him until he really fell asleep and then here i am, finally getting to write on this blog.

it's harder than i thought. i feel like i need a break and it's only been a week. This afternoon took forever

anyways....i guess i am cooking tonight. so i have to go.

We are in scotland!! sorry it's been so long since we've been able to update. But we are here now. In scotland..we arrived safely,everything went well...kael was a great traveler. So we arrived and are getting settled in...we have our own little suite.....it doesn't have a kitche, but we have a kettle and coffee pot in our room, so we're all set to make tea and coffee. We've got a little couch, a very nice king size bed, flowers, books, a desk for mike to work upstairs if he wants to. It's pretty nice. Mike worked a day and a half last week and already i'm realizing how it's going ot take some getting used to for me. I don't really have anything to do during the day but read, so i've already finished one book and halfway through the second....i think i'll be picking up some more books at the charity shops (thrift stores) i'll have to get used to driving on teh other side of the road and i may venture out with kael and at least browse or go to the library, but i'm not sure i want to go to the library with a baby....you know he might cry. anyways....mike is doing well, he's enjoying working and that's nice. there is no tv, so we've watched a few video's and have been reading together more and just hanging out watching kael and saying over and over how much we love him.
we had to delay our trip to scotland because kael's passport didn't come in time, even though we paid for a rush ...so $440 and a week later we finally we're able to leave and kael is officially an american......we know have to see about getting him his british passport...little traveler and he doesn't even know about it or care. so i think that's all for now.