Well.....i've been reading, well i read, i finished it in two days..the book 'Wanting all the Right things' and it has spoken to exactly where i have been at recently....it was so refreshing and i feel like i'm renewed a bit. In lots of ways. i think mostly just that it wasn't me alone feelng all these things..even my friend heather's blog..i can relate to ( although i do not have twins, so i'm only half as tired/busy etc as she might be) The book is about 'finding a spiritual, blanced and fulfilled ' life
she talks about how we have all these desires for lives of significance, beauty, solitude, intimacy, financial security, etc etc..
the part i could relate to was about how we we all want to be great mothers, great wives, we want to love and serve our family but we feel guilty if we also want to pursue things outside of them..but she said something that really made sense to me....the whole chapter goes into a lot more...but one line that made sense to me was

'don't our children need to see their mothers enjoying parenting and their own adult interests simultaneously? Isn't there enough time in the day to love our kids and ourselves?

there is so much more to it than that about how we feel guilty if we are 24/7 doing something productive/active with or for our kids. how we have this attitude of putting our lives on hold for them until we have 50 yrs old.

i do not want to put my life on hold..i want to enjoy my life with mike and kael. and my own life. I also got an email from my aunt penny and she really encouraged me..she said "You have great instincts and you will do fine. It is great to get lots of advice (info) on how to raise Kael but you in your heart will know whats right.....you have a fantastic foundation from which to base all your decisions on and a great mom and dad to always help. You will do fine."
it was very encouraging.....my mom said similiar things about how we can read all these books and hear all this advice but really in our hearts we know what the right thing to do with our children is...
so that's my thoughts lately...feeling much better and having more energy and feeling more positive......

missing my friends

i'm missing my friends...i feel like all my posts are negative lately ..i feel like i don't have much to say...i feel like i don't really want to be honest on here either. My life isn't all bad...i love my husband and chilld soooo much....kael is so adoreable...he is reaching for things alot now and he's fascinated by watching us eat or drink anything...he just stares..even if he's a little fussy..it' holds his attention and he watches us put these things in our mouth and even sometimes he mimics our mouths.....soo cute! and also, when he's sitting on my lap and i'm wearing my pj's with snowflakes on them, he tries to grab the snowflakes......it's so funny..he grabs at everything..the other day he got a handful of mike's eggs..:) i love him, i love seeing him change and grow.
i wish i had some friends around to share it all with...for you to see him change and grow aas well..i 'm really missing my community in vancouver, i think i took it forgranted when i was there..i knew i appreciated it , especially after kael was born...and so many people brought us meals...people we didn't even know....but too many times i stayed home when i should've called friends...when i should've gone to see my friends..just stopped by their houses more often....ooh how i miss you ....
i want to share my life with people...(besides my immediate family) i know we will again soon..we are eager to get settled , find a church, meet people, make the effort to make friends....we our looking forward to new lives....even though we miss our old lives alot.
i want other moms' around, to really talk about baby's and to ask my questions to about kael, not just people's advice...i want someone to talk about my own feelings with.....you know, like friends, good friends.i'm lonely ( i know it will end, it will pass, etc etc.....this is just how i've been feeling lately...) i think that's all i'll say for now...,(ps my friend kristin took this pic of me..and some more of me at the very end of my pregnancy....they turned out beautiful....i miss her too...:)

advice and being almost 27

well..i was just wondering tonight, do people ever think you know anything..i sometimes wonder that. especially when it comes to kids...i know that people want to be helpful, but sometimes it seems as if they think they know what's best for you and your kid, sometimes i really second guess myself about being a mother, i feel as if,' do i really know what i'm doing' am i doing things right?? is the rest of my life going to be like this??? i hope not. i hope i can realize that i will just do my best....
but you know, there are things i have questions about....and sometimes i'm not sure who to ask, because often you get 10 different opinions from 10 different people.....sometimes i'm so afraid to say what we are doing with kael because of what people will think..will they judge me?? will they think i'm a bad mother?? and this community living thing, i feel it all the time, not from anyone else..it's like a voice in my head that says..do more, do better...but i just want to be honest.
like right now...we are trying to get to kael to go to sleep on his own...it's a hard thing foor us...he doesn't fall asleep on his own, he was on a schedule in wisconsin and he was taking 2-3 naps a day for at least an hour and was goign to bed earlier and would go down pretty easy but would wake up every hour wanting to be fed or just comforted...when we came back to scotland it got worse, he didn't handle the time change well..and neither did me and mike really.....but we are in more of a routine now..all of us, so he is waking up earlier ( the first few days he slept til 10, 1pm, and noon..) and he is taking three naps a day, one hour one in the morning, one 30-60min, and then another one for 1 -1 1/2 hrs....so that's better..but he's not going down easy, he screams, cries, tries to push himself away from me, cause he knows i'm going to feed him, then rock him to sleep....and he doesn't want to fall asleep , it's like he's fighting it really hard, but i know if i don't persist he'll just get fussier and crabbier..but he doesn't seem all that happier now that he's napping better.....not like he was just over a week ago....i dont know...so the question is..do we let him cry it out at night, are there other things we can try.....i read the no cry sleep solution, and another book that is for cry it out..i'm confused, so many differing opinions...it's hard when he cries not to think that i'm scarring him, but so many of my friends at home encouraged me to let him cry and that it is hard initially but it pays off soon, and they all struggled with it too...some had to leave the house cause it was too hard to hear....i just want to be a good mother, i want kael to know He can trust me, that I"m safe, but i also want him to sleep...and to be a happier kid like he was before..ahh....parenting is such a personal thing but i don't feel like i can do it on my own and i don't really want to...
and as i was thinking about people always giving advice, iwas thinking..i'm turning 27 soon, i know it's young, but it sounds kind of old to me, and will it ever stop....how old do i have to be before people think i might know something??

here's an older pic of us as well..me and my new glasses and kael looking not too happy..:) but he's cute even when he's not smiling...ooh i love him!!!

snowboarding....

so...now that i have a computer...internet access more accessible at least..i can give you a few more updates from my time at home....
one update i thought rachel, audrey and jamie would be especially proud of me for...while we were my whole famiy went to the ski hill...myself, mike, mom, dad andy and jen...and i decided to try snowboarding...i didn't do so well. i was on my butt most of the time but i did try. i wanted to go again but it didn't work out. andy and jen were snowboarding past me and my parents were skiing around me asking if i was ok,..but i managed to do it...the bunny hilll at least. so that's my big news. i got to see my friends emily and shelley when i was home....that was fun....we even had a game time with a bunch of friends....umm let's see...i can't really think of much else..except little highlights like my mom being awake in the morning and offering to hang out with kael and letting me go back to sleep...that was especially nice at 5am. umm...getting to wach tv, i was addicted to the home and garden channel when i was home. ( we don't have tv here) and just getting to hang out with mike...and sitting around. so that's the update for christmas..

so...now we are back in scotland. i have started a part time job. this building that mike's dad is in is so big and there is so much going on that they usually hire a cleaner...so i'm the new cleaner i get paid by the project so it doesn't matter how many times i have to stop to feed, change hold kael. which is good...so i've been going two days now and it's definitely making my life a full time...so i'm tired. and jet lag is a killer...no one can tell me it isn't real (Randy)....cause i have a baby and it's real, it definitely screws up his schedule..he was doing so good in tomahawk, taking naps, going to sleep easy..and now it's hard wrk trying to get him back into a routine but we are working on it..tonight is much better he went to sleep at 8 and we'll see if he sleeps for awhle at least..

here's an old pic of him from before we left for christmas
well that's all for now..sorry i haven't been too good at keeping in touch or keeping this thing updated...i miss my friends..

where has the time gone?

well...i know i haven't blogged in awhile. while we were at my parents i just couldn't handle the dial up connection and so i hardly went on the computer and there was no way i was going to try and update this. So, .....christmas was great, i was so happy to be home with my family....it;s just so nice to be home. And for christmas i got lots of great gifts...and a got a macbook pro :) yeah!! from mike, i got it a little early and i knew i was getting it but it's still a great present!!!! and an espresso maker and scrapbooking stuff, books, movies, etc.....you know the usual.....and my dad got kael a violin!! there is a pic of the two of them. my dad got himself one as well and has been practicing and i think he sounds pretty good. So, when kael is older he'll be able to learn from his grandpa and my dad gave us money to put away for violin lessons for when he gets older...
i'm sure there is more to update but that's just a little update for now.....we are back in scotland..and gettin adjusted again, kael and the rest of us are suffering from jet lag...and it isn't easy on his sleep.... or on any of us...but i'm sure he'll adjust again soon...that's all for now.

leave for home soon.

we leave on thursday for the states and i am so excited..just another pic of kael. i gotta go now, he's crying

Kael Pics

correction

Henri is still in ywam, working of course with randy with ywam nexia...so sorry about that. just wanted to correct my post below.

rachel's partner (or BF)

Hello. Well......this weekend has been absolutely great. And actually since my last post i've had a few emails and comments from people and i tend to agree witheveryone..i think it is a mixture of things we have choosen...(by choosing to leave ywam and live in the states it takes some work to mike's visa....etc..) and also i am tired, and having a kid does just bring your life under a new perspective and in my case that means, i want some more space of our own and i want a home..and in the long run, six months here isn't that long if it will help us save up money toward a house and let us get mike's visa.....so i'm adjusting to the idea, i think i will take other people's comments and maybe take some online courses or try to work on some creative ventures while being a mom....
so that's that...and now this weekend ..friday night, we picked up Rachel, Henri and Rachel's Boyfriend from the train station in Glasgow..headed to starbucks to catch up ...and then came backk to the house..played dutch blitz and after we were all tired....headed to our rooms....Because this is a big place there are lots of rooms, so one of the girls put nametags on the rooms and on Tim's room (rachels' boyfriend) it said:
rachel's partner...:) and they couldn't remember Henri's name so on their room it said Rachael and her friend..:) we thought it was pretty funny.
and it was just soo relaxing to be with my friends again....to hang out, we went bowlling and the boys kicked our butts...but we still had a great time.....and since none of us are i ywam, we could think about doing stuff ad not worry about the money so much....i feel like it was a good break for me, to be with people where i feel myself, peope that know me.
and here are my thoughts on rachel's boyfriend.....
i really like him. i forgot to get a picture of him....but he's good looking and really nice. He's quieter..but maybe that's cause he didn't really know us and in a way i felt bad for him cause alot of times we were talking about things that he didn't know about or people....but it's okay, cause another part of the time i was the oddball cause they were reminiscing about shows from here they used to watch and since i'm the only non-british one among them i had no clue what they were talking about....

but anyways, back to rachel's partner...i can't say that i got to know him tons but what i saw i really liked him....i think they are very good together, he seems to really care about her and they are very relaxed together. overall i approve. :) so that's my weekend......and now mike's sister is coming today actually....the first time kael will see his aunt lisa. fun times......ell my friends i miss you all too bad you all weren't here for a wonderful dutch blitzed filled weekend.
i'll post pics soon ..

bored

so.....we have decided and it has been recommended that we stay another 6 months...i know it is the right decision to make, it will make sure we get mike's visa, and it wil help us save up for a downpayment for a house...but in all honesty..it's so hard for me to adjust to the thought that we will be here for another 6 months..i'm bored right now. not having our own place is getting to me, i like having my own space..i like cooking meals..i like going a whole day and not seeing anyone but mike and kael. i love being a mom, but i'm finding it hard having nothing else to do, eating all of our meals with my in-laws ( they are very nice people) i just want my own dinner time with my own family, i want to cook a meal just for us and be able to share with mike all the funny things kael did that day......i want to relax....i dont' want to make small talk everyday....i want a place of my own..see right now, we have one room, which is always a mess because its small and cramped and i'm not sure what else to do..we don't have a kitchen that i can cook in...i have to either run up and down stairs or down the hall or both for a cup of tea, i have to drag the moniter with me everywhere cause i can't hear kael if he cries...the thought of the next 6 months being like this is driving me a bit mental..but i know God can do miracles..so i want to see one..i want to see Him provide a little more space for our family...all this moving doens't make sense to me...anyone have any theories on why our life has been this way?? i'm confused and yet i will praise God, i will trust that He has to come up with a solution....
don't worry i'm not depressed or anything and i love kael to pieces..i enjoy having lunchtimes with mike and evenings....we make do..but i need a change..i need something different.

visitors and more pics.

hello all. well, i've just had almost a whole week of visitors....so that definitely makes the time go by faster but more important than that..i get to see people i love and care about. Last weekend our friends Rodney and Eva came down with their adoreable little girl Abby....she's 9 months old and i can't believe how much she's moving around, she tries to put everything in her mouth...everything...she was touching our toes and licking people's shoes..trying to put my slippers in her mouth....she's so cute..
and of course we loved hanging out with our friends.....and then on monday my friend from norway, (that i met in mexico) Franziska came....and it was so nice to be able to see her, to hear how she is doing, to hear her heart....we went to the sea and hada little bit of time there before the rain came pouring down on us...it was a great adventure trying to find our way around the little back roads of Scotland...but we managed and had a wonderful time..
now it's me and kael again. and mike of course...and this weekend, we are planning on doing nothing but vegging...me and mike and kaell.....watching movies, eating...and relaxing.....
so i hope you enjoy your weekend as well.....

kael

well here are a few pics of kael.....
so, i've just decided to enjoy my time here.....the enjoy the little things to just take it day by day.......this week has gone by so fast. not much more time before christmas..right now we are not sure if we will be coming back here after christmas or not...we'll see..anyways.......here's my baby...isn't he cute??

open season

friday night i actually got to leave the house wtihout the baby....and it's such a great thing to have a break. i love my son so much..but it's nice. so me and mike went to open season while the grandparents watched the little one...it was a funny movie and it was nice to be able to sit through a whole movie and not have to get up for something......and then when we got home of course i missed him and it's been a great weekend, we have just been hanging out , i've gotten to catch up on some emails....and we bought 24 season 5 on itunes...so we're in the process of downloading those and watching them.......sooo good....fun times. kael is smiling so much..it's so great...he's such a chunker it's awesome.
anyways.....that's all....

the role of motherhood.

the funny thing about the title of this post and the whole concept is that i have tried to start this blog at least 4 times.....but who's counting. finally it's almost 530pm and for once kael is really sleeping...probably cause he is so tired from only having short naps all day long...ones that don't really count and then gets so fussy cause he's tired.
ANYWAYS....being a stay at home mom is alot more work than i thought it would be. and for me at the moment, it's not really 'work' like housework...i don't have a kitchen so i can't really make meals..(we mostly eat with george and jo..except sometimes we eat on our own if i cook in their kitchen which is upstairs..) laundry is down the hall...and i've gotten to do two loads..but one stayed in the dryer for days cause i just didn't have time to go get it....

i'm alone so much, holding him either sleeping or eating that i have finished 4 books since i have been here and this afternoon i just couldn't bring myself to read anything else, so i just took a nap with him until he really fell asleep and then here i am, finally getting to write on this blog.

it's harder than i thought. i feel like i need a break and it's only been a week. This afternoon took forever

anyways....i guess i am cooking tonight. so i have to go.

We are in scotland!! sorry it's been so long since we've been able to update. But we are here now. In scotland..we arrived safely,everything went well...kael was a great traveler. So we arrived and are getting settled in...we have our own little suite.....it doesn't have a kitche, but we have a kettle and coffee pot in our room, so we're all set to make tea and coffee. We've got a little couch, a very nice king size bed, flowers, books, a desk for mike to work upstairs if he wants to. It's pretty nice. Mike worked a day and a half last week and already i'm realizing how it's going ot take some getting used to for me. I don't really have anything to do during the day but read, so i've already finished one book and halfway through the second....i think i'll be picking up some more books at the charity shops (thrift stores) i'll have to get used to driving on teh other side of the road and i may venture out with kael and at least browse or go to the library, but i'm not sure i want to go to the library with a baby....you know he might cry. anyways....mike is doing well, he's enjoying working and that's nice. there is no tv, so we've watched a few video's and have been reading together more and just hanging out watching kael and saying over and over how much we love him.
we had to delay our trip to scotland because kael's passport didn't come in time, even though we paid for a rush ...so $440 and a week later we finally we're able to leave and kael is officially an american......we know have to see about getting him his british passport...little traveler and he doesn't even know about it or care. so i think that's all for now.

family picture

well....kael is now almost 2 months old...since i'm at my parents, i don't have any new pictures of kael on their computer....

and to give an 'update' we are leaving for scotland now in less than a week. it's going to be an adjustment...mike will be working, i may or maynot be on my own all day with kael. we'll see mike may be able to at least work upstairs with me. i'm looking forward to having a routine...i think the baby needs and it and i think i need it alot.
we're all doing well though.....i've got kael with me right now.
anyways...we've been hanging out with my family...got to see my brother last weekend, he actually babysat and did a great job....i think kael really liked his uncle. And my dad has gotten to hang out with him some as well.....tonight we're having dinner with some friends and they'll get to see him for the first time. i have been watching Home channel on satellite nonstop..it has decorating shows..buying homes....all kinds of things and i'm really looking forward to the day we have our own home. we got enough money to get our video camera, so that arrived today and i'm sure we'll take hours of video of the baby doing nothing.... uumm.....God really really blessed us, especially mike, he was really wanting a mac computer and i just didn't see how that was going to happen....well through a series of emails, his dad ends up offering to buy him one in exchange for mike making some video's for him....easy deal since mike wanted to start making video's anyways...so mike now has a beautiful really nice mac computer....i don't know much about macs but i know he got one of the nicest ones....we are definitely feeling blessed lately. here's a family picture ....i think it's a great picture.:) one of my favorites.......well that's all for now....
love you and miss you all....

family picture

well....kael is now almost 2 months old...since i'm at my parents, i don't have any new pictures of kael on their computer....

and to give an 'update' we are leaving for scotland now in less than a week. it's going to be an adjustment...mike will be working, i may or maynot be on my own all day with kael. we'll see mike may be able to at least work upstairs with me. i'm looking forward to having a routine...i think the baby needs and it and i think i need it alot.
we're all doing well though.....i've got kael with me right now.
anyways...we've been hanging out with my family...got to see my brother last weekend, he actually babysat and did a great job....i think kael really liked his uncle. And my dad has gotten to hang out with him some as well.....tonight we're having dinner with some friends and they'll get to see him for the first time. i have been watching Home channel on satellite nonstop..it has decorating shows..buying homes....all kinds of things and i'm really looking forward to the day we have our own home. we got enough money to get our video camera, so that arrived today and i'm sure we'll take hours of video of the baby doing nothing.... uumm.....God really really blessed us, especially mike, he was really wanting a mac computer and i just didn't see how that was going to happen....well through a series of emails, his dad ends up offering to buy him one in exchange for mike making some video's for him....easy deal since mike wanted to start making video's anyways...so mike now has a beautiful really nice mac computer....i don't know much about macs but i know he got one of the nicest ones....we are definitely feeling blessed lately. here's a family picture ....i think it's a great picture.:) one of my favorites.......well that's all for now....
love you and miss you all....

two years ago today

two years ago today we were married....without the little one even a thought in our mind.
now we are happily married...we are headed to the waters tonight (where we got married) have a jacuzzi tub in our room..mom is going to watch the little one for the evening, and bring him to us later....and we are going to enjoy the day....mike got me a lovely new perfume for a gift.....it smells really yummy .....anyways......i had updated everyone on our trip but then forgot to upload the page and lost it all.....so obviously we got across the border just fine, no problems at all , thans for all of you who prayed! it's a bit surreal this whole thing....i feel like it's finally sinking in that we don't have a 'home' anymore and we will be livign with our 'parents ' for awhile...but there is always positive things in everything, we have live in babysitters, grandparents who love kael to pieces....when i arrived at the airport uncle andy and grandpa bill got to see keal for the first time....it was great! this little guy is going to know he is loved.

are we there yet??

i'm wondering if when i titled my blog a long time ago it became a prophecy or if that's just the way it has been..and the title is just fitting...you know??
our plans are more concrete now but have changed again...here is the plan right now....who knows things could change, but at least for now they seem pretty set...
so , we will still go to wisconsin for october....hang out with my parents...let my dad hang out with his new grandson for awhile....then wewill make scotland home for a little while...mike has been offered a job by his dad to set up an ebay store for him...so that will give us something to do, help us make a bit of money ( means i don't have to work ) and then we can apply for mike's visa while we are there....so we'll still be in wisconsin for christmas but we'll spend a few months in scotland, so after christmas we'll probably go back and once we get mike's visa, we'll come back and finally be ready to live in the states....
it's not exactly what we had in mind when we thought of leaving canada, but there are many positives and we are actually looking forward to it....

so we have two days left here, head for seattle, where i fly home and mike and his dad and wife drive all of our stuff back to wisconsin. so when i get home, i'll be picked up by my brother and dad and they'll get to hang out with kael, we are all looking forward to it.

here's some pics of jamie and kael hanging out....he looks so cool in his shades that mr and mrs church gave him.