what to say

i've been meaning to post for days, but everytime i sit down and try to write nothing comes out. right now it's 530 am....couldn't sleep cause my stomach hurt and i was hungry, so i got up to have some oatmeal crisp and then head back to sleep....there is actually a thunderstorm here in vancouver right now too..it's kind of soothing, i miss thunderstorms alot. my thoughts are still constantly around having this baby, i feel as if it's the only thing i think about. some days this week were pretty hard, i felt overwhelmed and like i have so much to do...and then i've had some good days where i just don't worry about it...but this morning laying in bed and my stomach hurting, i guess sometimes it just hits me that ths baby could really come anytime and i'm really not ready. not just emotionally, i think emotionally i'm ready, but physically i am not ready. like, we haven't bought diapers yet, or i don't even have the birthing pool and i want to have a water birth.....i guess that's where my trust in God comes into play...i have to trust that he'll help keep labor off a few more days so i can get myself organized and actually be ready to have this baby. it's still so mind blowing that there is a little baby living inside me, that i will be responsible for, he will look like me and mike and will forever be in our hearts. it's all kind of incredible. a miracle......that's why that call it a miracle. God amazes me more and more....how could someone not think there is a God, when the way we are created is miraculous and it happens everyday...everyday women all over the world are giving birth....and it's amazing.

well...those are my thoughts for now.....if anyone still wants to help with the things from the last post, please let me know and please come by. i'm going back to sleep now.

getting ready

k, so i'm in 'getting ready' mode. i'm not sure who even reads my blog, i know of course a few people do..but whether you are near or far away, i'm going to tell you how anyone can help me in these last few weeks before the baby is born. i feel like i just need to ask for help with a few things:
SO, of course there are always the 'things' material that i need, but there are a few other things as well that i wouldn't mind some help with, if somone has time or knows someone else who has time.
1. scrapbooking...i have been wanting to make a scrapbook of me and mike's wedding, and our first year together ( since we traveled to a few places..i thought it'd be fun to make one scrapbook of our first year...
why i need help with this is because i am good at collecting stuff and i have saved all kinds of stuff but i need someone to just help me get going, to get the pages made and put the pictures in, i have it all spread over my dining room table but i can't seem to get it going, so if there is someone decisive and creative who wouldn't mind helping me, please let me know.
2. i am in need of old sheets/towels...because it's a home birth if i want to have the baby in the bed, of course there will be lots of fluids and since me and mike only just bought a set of sheets for our bed, we need some old ones we can use for when i give birth, or old towels that can be used( we don't have any 'old' stuff because we barely have enough new stuff..:) i might end up just going to value village but that kind of grosses me out. so if you know anyone with old sheets/towels that we can have that would awesome.
3. let's see......if anyone is wanting to help out really practically we are in need of some basic things that we would like to have for when the baby is born and directly after let us know , i definitely won't list them, but you can always email me and ask or if you have something in mind, just ask us, because we might just need something you are wanting to get rid of. ( like a rocking/glider chair) otherwise we are in need of some more expensive items still that if anyone wants to donate money towards we wouldnt say no either.
4. a video camera.....we were hoping to buy one, but there are just too many other expenses for this baby and so if anyone has a vide camera they would be willing to let us borrow for the next month (since we could have this baby any day or not for weeks) that would be really cool.


of course a bit closer as well, i'll be needing to do lots of laundry ( i have to wash all the baby clothes i have.,,) so if someone likes doing laundry and wants to hang out that would be fun as well. i don't have a dresser yet so i won't be doing the laundry until i get a dresser.
so now i feel a bit funny just having been so honest with you all, and i hope that i'm not whining or coming across as 'pathetic' i just wanted to ask for help and let my friends and family know how they can help. because i think everyone loves a baby and there is no pressure to help, it just seems like people want to help, so i'm giving the opporunity ...this is definitey not a demand. okay enough rambling.....this baby is coming so soon....today i'm going to go get some of the birth supplies we need...so i feel a little more relaxed knowing we are a bit more prepared. hope you are all having a great day.

hot

i at least was able to sleep in...the heat didn't wake me up. and then for some reason i was a bit ambitious and thought i could try and go all over to garage sales....so i took a shower, had my list of addresses and started out....but after being out there for not very long realized that it's way too hot and too much energy for me to be walking around and getting in and out of the van. so i came home and am just trying to stay cool, drink lots of water. So i've been watching oprah dvd's and reading, and it's interesting. i'm reading this book called 'the living end' about a woman who's husband wrote a list of 'while i live, i want to.....' and then shortly after he dies. so she decides to do everything on the list. Also, the few oprah shows i watched had stories about amazing people, but of course the sad part is that alot of these people died. So of course i am fitting the stereotype of pregnant woman by crying at all these sad and yet beautiful stories. I think that i have this fear in my life of not really living....i know that the thing i want the most is for my life to count for something, i want to really impact people i interact with, i want to truly live...but today i feel compelled to just enjoy life as well and not be so caught up in 'missing out' that i don't just enjoy today. today i haven't done anythign 'productive' but i've definitely enjoyed just relaxing, reading, watching oprah, thinking...and not so worried about the 'big' things.

reading.

so, i've decided i'm going to take these last 4 weeks and try to relax as much as possible. i finally feel like mentally i can rest. just a few weeks ago i felt so overwhelmed that i wasn't resting much at all but now i feel like i can take a bit slower and easier, yesterday we stopped by the library and i got out 4 fiction books and i plan on reading them all. i like making decaf ice-tea and eating ice and just relaxing. for me too i realized that i have this desire to 'figure it all out' before the baby comes and to make a plan, but i will just not be able to figure it all out, so i'm going to keep pursuing God...keep asking Him to reveal 'more' to me. and keep exploring my options as far as developing my strengths...( i'm seriously wondering how it would be possible for me to go to school part time for psychology/counseling and have a baby) and see how it all unfolds i guess......this weekend mike is away, so i'm looking forward to the time alone. i know it will be my last before our life takes on a whole different direction and i'm glad for the change, but i will enjoy the time to read and relax and reflect on the ways God is speaking and moving right now.

strengths

With our church Interns and myself, mike, kyle and kristin took these strength finder tests. So, after i read that bible verse the other day about knowing yourself and knowing the work you've been given, i finally took my test and theses are the synposis of my 'strengths'

Intellection
people who are especially talented in the Intellection theme are characterized by their intellectual activitiy. They are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.

Connectedness
have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few doincidences and that almost every event has a reason

Deliberative
are best described by the serious care they take in making decisions or choices. They anticipate the obstacles

Input
have a craving to know more. often they like to collelct and archive all kinds of information

Responsibility
take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are commited to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.



so it's interesting..part of me thinks these things aren't strengths, that they are more 'personality' things...but the test also gives you action points on how to use these strengths in your life. so that's what i need to go through ..figuring out how these are strengths in my life, or how to 'use' them. i definitely see how they are true. (i have longer descriptions of all of them that make more sense....but i didn't want to bore anyone.)
just imagine if everyone operated in their strengths, we would probably accomplish alot more in our lives.

live life creatively

Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Dont' be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

that's from galations.....and i feel like it's for me, and maybe lots of other people too.

here's some pictures from a few weeks ago, when me and mike went down to washington to camp for a night and then met up with my dad and hung out with him the next day. it was lots of fun, hanging out with two of my favorite people.

can't sleep

it's 5 am and i have been awake for over an hour, i'm exhausted, my body aches and all i want to do is to crawl into bed and be able to drift off into a restful sleep....the problem is when i was in bed i was also exhausted and tossing and turning, so i've been cleaning out my email box and just hoping i'll get so tired that i can just crawl back into bed and sleep with no problems. it's now less than 5 weeks til we meet our baby. i'm feeling more ready although i was talking with someone last night who said, you never feel ready and i guess that made me feel better..i think more and more though i have been thinking about life and what i want my life to look like, and how is going to change now that we are going to have a baby....but ultimately some things are still the same, and i can't put my life on complete hold while having children, otherwise i wouldn't do anything for years and years. so i'm hoping to find a balance and to find time to keep pursueing things i feel God has put in my heart....i'm wondering if it is possible to actually go to school part time while being a mother, maybe not right away but eventually. i think i would like to get some further training to keep pursueing the kind of ministry i'd really like to do. i've had some interesting thoughts lately as well, i wonder what it owuld be like to be a odula, and if that is somethign i would like to do. i'm curious at least about it. after writing just this little bit i'm even more tired than i was when i started so i think i'll try and get back into my lovely bed and see if sleep will take over my body. hope you all had better rest than i've had so far. goodmorning and goodnight.

fun in louisiana

just some pics from our time in louisiana...me and mike with the family

less than 6 weeks

since being in louisiana...i've had all these dreams about having the baby, and going into labor and baby bedding...i think i've been scared that for some reason i'll go into labor while i'm here, but now that our trip is ending i'm feeling better. Today is the big day of Linda's wedding (mike's mom) and so we're kind of getting ready but there isn't that much to do.....we'll have the wedding at 6pm....and then tomorrow we all fly out. Linda on her honeymoon, Lisa back to scotland and me and mike back to Canada.
And i've been realizing that the day of the baby arriving is coming soon. Less than 6 weeks...pretty soon it'll be a month, than less than a month....all so fast. anyways, this has all become about babies..obviously it's a big thing on my mind. I"m also trying to figure out what i'll want after i have the baby....willi want to be involved in ministry as much as i was? willi want to take a full maternity leave for 6 months?? i just will have no idea how i will feel about anything, i think that's one of the hardest things in 'preparing' is that sometimes you can't do much but wait and see how you feel. so i guess those are my thoughts lately.

just some thoughts

tomorrow we leave for Louisiana....mike's mum is getting married this saturday. So, mike will be walking her down the aisle and giving her away. i am not looking forward to the heat of louisiana, i plan on drinking of lots of water, eating lots of ice and sitting inside air conditioning as much as possible.....
so i think most of my posts lately have been just 'i did this' and 'this happened' not many thoughts..
but to be honest most of my thoughts these days rotate around having a baby. it seems like since the wedding is over it's so close now that the baby is coming. i feel almost unprepared. i'm not scared of giving birth, i'm not afraid of the labor part. I'm just so unsure what it will be like, to have a baby. to have a little one that you are responsible for. i just can't imagine. i want my next big project to be to get the baby's room ready. it's not even a baby's room yet, i want to buy a crib, and a dresser, all of the baby stuff i do have is in storage right now..well, it's in boxes. so i'd like to be able to unpack his clothes and put his things in his room......and i think once that's done i'll feel a little better. and there are just things we still need to get...and we need to get the home birthing supplies as well...
i feel like it's been an amazing journey though...this whole process of becoming a parent, that's why it takes 10 months......because it's such an emotional and mental adjustment, when you are first pregnant of course you are excited but it's kind of surreal cause you really have no idea, and now that i'm bigger and he moves so much and we feel like we're attached to him already, we are more and more excited to meet him. both me and mike. we're excited to meet him but i'm also wanting to enjoy these last weeks before he comes. to get ready for him, both his room and us as parents. of course there are ups and downs, but i know God is with me in all of this. He is definitely with me......so those are my thoughts lately...

friends

i miss my friends. emily and jamie. weird that we are all married now..but really cool. i think it's grea to have people that understand you and can go through some of the same stuff as you. so.....i miss them.....here's some older pics of us.

friends

i miss my friends. emily and jamie. weird that we are all married now..but really cool. i think it's grea to have people that understand you and can go through some of the same stuff as you. so.....i miss them.....here's some older pics of us.

my dad

my dad is coming ! he drives semi-truck and has a trip out here and so the timing is perfect. He'll arrive late tonight, get some sleeep and we'll hook up with him the morning. me and mike are going to go camping tonight and then we'll be right there in the morning when he is there too....so cool. He's already picked out this little town we can hang out in for the day. I'm very blessed. Itll be fun to see my dad and i'm definitely more pregnant than when i saw im last. And he's bringing me baby shower gifts that i couldn't fit in my suitcase last time. i love my dad. one thing i thing is the greatest about him is he is always growing, always learning and always willing to change. Me and Him are very alike in that we are opinionated and strong-willed and we use to fight all the time. But we have learned to communicate really well and now we so close because of it. I respect Him very much for the hard-worker he is but so much because even though He is stubborn and strong He will listen to you, he will listen to God, He will be willing to see Himself in new ways, He will let God show him how to be a better man, He will admit his weaknesses...He will change and grow. And i love that about him so much. So, this is for my dad!!!

some pics of me and mike

just wanted to share some more pictures from the day.....
me and my baby....
and me and my belly..;)

jamie & craig's wedding

it's over. the wedding was absolutely beautiful. one of my favorite weddings to be part of and to see two people i love so much get married. i had a great time......just wanted to put some pics on here right away, they are all emily's pictures ....and there are some great ones.

staying alive

so..just a quick update. lots and lots of wedding plans......i can't believe jamie and craig are getting married so soon....i feel like my brain is full of wedding plans.....hard to think of anything else. So we've been helping jamie do all the last minute things that need to get done. And emily is staying here with me and it's so nice to see her, and hang out and catch up on lots of things....
and so we'll be pretty busy these next few days, but just wanted to check in and say what we're up to. tomorrow we will be with all the bridesmaids, the last two fly in tomorrow and we will pick them up, there will be four of us from tomahawk, together again. one with a baby, me with a baby on the way, emily married and jamie about to.......so many changes, so much going on.....it's fun. so no deep thoughts....just day to day happenings...
and i'm going to put a pic of sophia in here that mike took the other day at drive fest....isn't she cute!

this is where we live

yesterday was 'the drive fest' ...comemrcial drive was closed down for blocks to traffic and there were bands playing, drum circles, people selling lots of fun things from their shops....all the restraunts had created outdoor cafe's on the street.......it was so much fun. me and mike walked down there and enjoyed it so much. the excitement, the fun, the life of the drive. it was so great just to walk around and take it all in, enjoy the sun, we hooked up with our buddies from church....and just took our time walking around together. and ended up by having dinner together on the drive....was definitely one of those days where i was so happy to be living here, i love the summer and the feel of the drive and it felt so good just to walk around and enjoy the atmosphere.......
we took some pics of me in my prego belly. so here are some of the pics from the day. my belly is so much bigger now....enjoying my baby inside me and me and mike are looking forward to having our baby with us more and more and more. we signed up today on the drive to win a free massage and the guy said we should sign up our baby too and after the baby is born they can do baby massage. so maybe he'll win too......i hope i win though...:) well, that's my lovely day. hope yours was good too.

life is moving fast

life is moving fast. it really is. i am due in only two short months. soon our baby will be with us. it's starting to really be real. He moves alot now and because He is getting bigger and doesn't have tons of room to move, when he does move i can see it. My belly changes shape or just moves when he's dancing around in there. it's fun.
and this next weekend jamie and craig are getting married. it doesn't seem like that long ago they got engaged....(well it does in a way) but i can't believe it's finally here. Emily comes tomorrow and Jamie's mom is staying with us, so it'll seem alot more real when it's all about the wedding next week.
and i feel as if i've been on an emotional roller coaster. i've been trying to figure out if it's all emotions because i'm pregnant or if being pregnant highlights the areas that you are already sensitive about and maybe God could use the opportunity to work through some of this stuff with me and then i just wouldn't have the emotions about them at all?? Does that make sense?? it's weird, i feel as if if there is lots of information on pregnancy and they say it's normal to being emotional and for pregnancy to bring up personal issues again such as body image and past abuse stuff.....they say that in general about all women it's not just christian's saying that..but then of course because i am a christian I wonder if it's God's way of using the time of your life to highlight areas you may need a little more healing in etc....so that you can be a healthier parents, a healthier person in general in your marriage, in your life and with your children. one thing i've realized in all of this, is that i feel guilty for everything. i feel guilty about us struggling financially, like somehow it's my fault. i feel guilty about not eating well for the baby, i feel guilty that i'm not 'doing' enough. guilt guilt guilt. i swim in it. my fingers are pruny from swimming in it and i don't want to be like this anymore. so it comes and goes the emotions of it all....today has been a good day, just tired. but i'm still enjoying the sleep i do get now because i know when the little bambino arrives i will get even less sleep....well those are my thoughts for now..

re-evaluate

re-evaluate. that's what i feel like i'm going to be doing soon. re-evaluating my whole life. and i guess i feel like i've been doing that a bit more lately anyways. there is something about having kids, that causes you to really think about what's important in life....it isn't money,it isn't getting a cool job, it isn't doing meaningless things.... it isn't necessarily the things you do at all........it's who you are. and some of those things you do in life are very important 'things' that come out of who you are....but honestly, look at your life and think about dying.........at the end of your life, what is important?? to be honest, i really didn't want kids right away, i wanted 5 years with me and mike and then kids, i thought that having kids would take away my identity, and sometimes i still get scared because it seems like it consumes you ...that being a mother isn't just one of the 'hats' you wear, it becomes a very big part of who you are...and it is then something you will forever be. you aren't just a 'mother' for a short time, it isn't just a role for a season..i will be a mother for the rest of my life...the little guy inside me will always carry a part of my heart from now on. ....as will every other child i have. but i know God has been working and i'm so excited to be a mother, i'm excited that my life will not just be about me, it will be about caring for someone else, it's a huge responsisiblity to be a parent, i will have the ability to shape his life in a way that no one else can. And i'm excited because i love my family, i love my mom and dad and brother, i love that they are in my life and i miss them. And i'm excited to begin my own family because that is what i treasure the most. I know God has 'more' for me than just being a mother, but being a mother is also a huge part of what He has for me......
so i guess those are some of my thoughts lately.....my musings....