first day

well, i had my first day at work. nothing exciting so far, i just read for 4 hrs straight. i did get a free drink. So nothig much to report. it was ok. mostly in my head i was thinking..do i really want to work? i know that i said i did, and everything, but we'll see. tomorrow i work a longer day and i'm not sure how i feel about being away from kael for so long....i guess we'll see how all of this goes. i could love it i could hate it. i dont think i'll hate it.

family

Last night we went to a benefit dinner put on by ywam madison. it was so awesome to be with ywamer's again. to be able to give money to other people not be on the receiving end. The money all went towards scholarships for people to do DTS or the school of the bible here in madison. And we really enjoyed meeting one of the director's and other staff there. for me to it was one of the few social things i got to do last week, so it was just nice to be out to talk to other people. And also so so nice to be with ywamer's.
And today at church we met some other couples, we're invited over for dinner. The pastor remembered us. And we definitely feel like we are in the right place. And i start my job tomorrow. fun huh??

I just wanted to say after my last post i wasn't expecting any responses but i was very encouraged by all the response i did get. The comments and the emails. i felt very listened too...and loved. thanks so much guys. i will keep blogging, little things and what's on my heart.....

i start my job tomorrow so i'll have to let you know how it goes. mike is just hanging pictures right now so after that maybe i'll get some pics taken of the place to show ya'll.

my life

well guys. i'm not sure where i stand on this blogging thing anymore. i used to share what was really going on with me, but for some reason i'm not so sure i want to do that anymore, be so vulnerable. i feel like i could share little things about my life, but it just seems to boring to write in a blog. there hasn't been much blogging lately, partly due to all the moving around, but partly due to the fact that i'm just not sure what to say anymore. i'm not sure who is reading this and i'm not sure exactly what they want to hear from me.
i'll write anyways....

i'm actually amazed at how quickly we seem to be settling here in madison. we don't really know anyone and yet we moved here, but we're pretty sure we have found a church already, the pastor actually came up and introduced himself. (turns out he knows my pastor in tomahawk) i made a friend, another mom, who i think i will call to go for coffee tomorrow, i have a job, (which i am amazed that i got the job at the location i wanted...five minutes from our apartment...and they were hiring, she hired me on the spot....
and we are building our own business and things are going really well so far.

so i have been doing good. but life catches up a bit. i think possibly i am just hormonal and it is near that 'time of the month' so it may be why today i'm feeling a bit unsure of myself. a bit tired. emotionally. i'm pretty sure kael is teething and i just want him to get into a routine, i want him to feel settled. I"m feeling that i have no time for myself. no time to think. and i don't yet have any other moms around here to talk to about it)( i will soon) but i miss my friends...i really miss joanna lately...i would just love to sit with her and cry. that's how i feel at this moment.

when i wake up i may not feel like crying anymore....i will still miss joanna though. but life is moving forward and it is quite positive i'm just having a moment. and i guess even though at the beginning i said i wasn't sure about really sharing myself anymore and i guess i did it again. blogging feels like someone is listening....

finally

ok, here's a recent pic of us together, me with my new hair cut.
i'll take pics of the place once it's a it cleaner. i am really enjoying setting up our home, i'm really happy that i have a job...and i'm loving the age kael is...

we have a home!!!!

well, sorry friends. it's been so long. We are now living in Madison. We moved in on Friday. my dad hauled all our stuff down here in his big Green Semi Truck. He parked out front and while my mom watched the baby, the rest of us (mostly the boys and then on sunday i went into Starbucks, the one five minutes from our new house) and asked if they were hiring, and they were. So I had an interview on Monday and i was hired. So we have a new home, and i have a new job. And it's great. i will send pics soon. i'm feeling a bit sick, soo that's why this is short...but i had to give an update. Love you all and miss you.

moving soon

well peeps..
sorry for the delay in writing. We are leaving Louisiana tomorrow, it's been a great visit. Kael loves his mamma and pappa ( that's grandma and grandpa ) and i'm sure he'll be sad to leave. but did love our trip. and today my mother in law and her new husband paid for me to get a new hair cut and highlights.i'll take pics and send them soon.
And on Friday we are moving to Madison. yeah!!!!! i'll send more updates soon

updates.

I've taken the test..
i am a faithful leader...
interesting test.

well friends..it's been awhile. today kael was adoreable, his aunt lisa gave him a little suit and he was adoreable in it. soo adoreable. he is such a content baby, smiling alot and loves people, he has to look around and see what's going on, where he is and who is around him. loves to be held by anyone and play with his grandparents....
we're having fun in louisiana...and me and mike are getting some rest cause mamma and pappa take him in the mornings ....

ooh and more news. we got a place in madison. we've sent in our deposit and we move in april 19th...i'll send pics when we get settled.

land of dial up

sorry it's been so long, i hope there are still people reading this..so just wanted to let you know that we have been at my parents since we got back to the states and it's the land of dial up so i haven't really been on the computer much. right now we're at linda and ronnie's house in louisiana, ( that's mike's mom and husband) we'll be here for 12 days so i'll hopefully get in a real update soon..
thanks for all the comments on my weight loss...i'll be in touch soon. :)

at least 16 pounds

k peeps..so this whole time that we have been back in scotland, me and mike have been on this special thing called 'body for life' it's a workout/ excercise program and eating diet. it's supposed to help guys get in shape and gain muscle and help girls lose weight and tone muscle. So i'm not sure what my actual body-fat percentage was last time, but i do know that I've managed to lose at least 16 pounds on this diet. I know alot of you haven't seen me in awhile, and you haven't really seen me since right after i had kael. i feel great. i feel much better and more confident. I'll post some pics when i get back to the states and have other clothes beside my maternity clothes i'm still wearing. ( or the clothes i bought while i was larger) I've wanted to lose weight for awhile and i'm so relieved that i actually managed to do it. I've got more weight to lose so i'll still be working on it, but it's such a good start i think. so i'm celebrating. (not by eating tons of food..;)

four days left

ooh well, i didn't realize some of you didn't know we were moving back to wisconsin. We are leaving here on wednesday...yeah!!! and will be staying with my parents until we find our own place. we are planning on living in madison, wi. that is the plan. we don't really know many people there , have never really been there, and so we are just moving forward, the decision makes sense and doesn't make sense all at the same time. We are looking forward to being on our own again, i'm looking forward to cooking in my own kitchen and for kael to have his own bedroom. for us to have our own bedroom. For our little family to relax a bit. so not much to say, but just a little more info on our upcoming move, if you think about it, please pray for smooth travel for kael, ( and us) and also for us to find an awesome place in madison, the right price, and place. and also for kael to adjust well to the time difference. he has been teething all week, so i'm tired, very tired in most every way. but excited about moving into the next season. stayed tuned.......

almost over

It's almost over, Our time here. We had friends come down for teh weekend, Our friends Rodney and Eva and there little girl Abby. Abby is 13 months and so cute. She puts everything in her mouth or licks. This weekend she even licked an air freshner...she didn't like that very much Her and Kael seemed to like each other, they would reach for each other's hands. Although she tried stealing his dummy all the time..:) We had a great time with them, it's nice to have friends, to feel normal for the weekend. relax, laugh, talk. good times. and now it's almost a week til we leave..yeah!!! sooo great! so here are some more pics of kael..

first tooth

kael got his first tooth. no wonder he was screaming in the night.
we went away for the weekend to this Loch and stayed in a Log Cabin. It was gorgeous, so relaxing and restful. And kael slept like a dream. so amazing. i got so much sleep, and felt great. and i didn't have to cook, it really was a vacation. here are some pics of us on our weekend.
kael loves to grab your face. there is he grabbing his grandpa's face.

i'm stealing jamies test.....here's mine

well, i thought it was so much fun taking jamie's test i thought i'd do my own..


www.testriffic.com/friendtest/2514901
i can't get it to go so you can click on it......so you might have to cut and paste..sorry...

self -confidence

So, i've had a recent revelation. it might seem like common sense or maybe you hadn't thought about it at all..but this is my revelation: it takes alot of self-confidence to be a mom.
confidence to raise your kid the way you think is best for your kid. confidence to do the right thing. you know in high school when there's the 'cool' kids, and the jocks, etc...there are different groups, well partly i feel like in motherhood there is that too....there is the 'attachement parenting' group, there is the Baby Wise people, those that immunize , those that don't. etc etc.....and it's a bit like peer pressure, or the thought that maybe i'm doing the wrong thing, should i be doing something else. And maybe other mothers dont actually struggle with this,but i've realized in the past 6 months my own fear of what people think in regards to some things, For example: (living in community...there is a woman who lives right across from us who can hear every cry and wecan hear her cough) and i'm afraid that if kael cries she's going to think i'm a bad parent, stupid, i know. but these thought have crossed my mind. why do i care? i don't know. but i want to not care and i want to do what is right for kael, do my best, and not worry what others think, just know that I love him and I am not a bad parent.
looking back on this time i feel like God is just wanting me to become myself. and to let go of a few things. it's so easy to judge when we are on the outside looking in, or just so easy to idealize certain things, and i've had to let go of some of those things...like making my own baby food, it's something i really wanted to do...but since we have no kitchen it's a bit hard, so i gave in and bought jarred food and kael is fine, and he likes it. Also, i didn't want him to use a dummy, (pacificer, soother, Nuk, etc) but i'm so glad that he does, otherwise he would really like to be nursing all day long....
so i've determined that there is no formula, there is wisdom you can learn from other people, but at the end of the day, you have to be confident in your ability to raise your own kid. Be humble enough to learn from others, and be strong enough to do the right thing. so those are my thoughts for today.

confessions

so..i had this revelation the other day of my own selfishness. (and actually this post doesn't have to do with being a mom) i get so weird about my brithday every year, i wonder ' who will remember me, who will forget me' i compare what mike gets from people to what i get. i remember how much money he gets and how little i get....i'm weird, i don't know why and i don't like it. and then the other day i remembered it was henri's birthday....too late though because her birthday had already come and gone, and i didn't email her and it was too late to send something ( i'm in the UK, she in canada) so feel like a jerk, and as well, joanna's birthday is right after mine 4 days after mine. And she sent me a lovely ecard on my birthday, did i remember her birthday? no. i've only managed to remember one person's birthday this month ( my brother's girlfriend) And the thing that really bugs me is that people did not forget me, i got tons of ecards, i got emails, jamie and henri sent over a package with randy and had him mail it to me in scotland, last year when i was in scotland the base sent with my team a whole folder of cards.....it seems like i'm very hyporitical if i'm so worried about what people will do for me and i don't even think of them sometimes. i just want to say i'm sorry to henri and joanna...do not take it as a reflection of what you mean to me, i love you both very much and you are very special to me. i am determined to do better this year in that area, and next year to not be so selfish when it comes to my brithday. i want to stop looking for disappointment..and start celebrating..especially other people.
that's all for now..
here's a comic book pic of kael. more pictures coming soon.

i'm so tired

kael has decided that he woud like to cry and scream in the middle of the night, and that he doesn't want to settle when you try to sooth him...and then if you do happen to get him calmed down he will fall asleep in your arms and refuse to be put down, as soon as his little body touches his crib, he's back to screaming.....3 or 4 times maybe you'll get him down and then when we both are so tired that i just nurse him at around 4 or 5 or 6 am...he stays there for about 2 hrs...so i don't sleep very well...
i'm tired, my eyes are burning and my back hurts...someone help me!!! please pray for Kael to be at peace and sleep and then i will be able to sleep as well and mike as well..:)

little things

Today I was writing in my journal…and I felt as if I had nothing really to say , even in my journal, even just to myself. I’ve never felt this way about Friday’s before..i used to love my work, I loved working with ywam, so it never felt as if ….ooh thank God it’s Friday……but now since I don’t enjoy so much being away from mike or the cleaning that I do for work during the week, and also I’ve been exercising and I don’t enjoy it ( I like that I’m doing it, but I definitely don’t enjoy it) anyways….by Friday my body is exhausted, I don’t get much done on Friday’s. I just read, play with kael and cook….i might even nap with kael…I’m just so tired by the time Friday comes….so Saturday is my favorite day of the week, no exercising, no work, mike is home with me and if kael is up a lot through the night, it doesn’t matter we can be as lazy as we want…
Anyways…..so I was thinking, who am I meant to be? And then I realized I am not ‘meant’ to be anything, I am who I am. And I just have to let myself be myself. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me, I just have to allow myself to enjoy the things I love, to go after the things I want to do/accomplish/be part of …and I just be me. I feel like that should be super easy but for some reason I don’t feel like it’s that easy. So then I was making a list of things I enjoy..little things, simple things not great big ‘visions or dreams’ I have…but just me. So I thought I’d share some of them with you…….i enjoy..
A really good cup of coffee, especially if it is accompanied by something lke cheesecake, chocolate or shortbread cookies….i do enjoy cooking and baking yummy food and of course eating it. Beautiful things, photographs, landscape, paintings, etc..
Book that sucks you right into ti’s pages, that you don’t want to put it down, you think about the characters when you are not reading the book….( this is good too with a cup of coffee)
Magazines….i could buy magazines all the time if they weren’t so expensive….
Going ‘out for coffee’ with a good friend….talking, real talking, not superficial small talk,
Being alone in the house, no one around, no responsibilities, no chores…..just able to do whatever I want…( I haven’t known that feeling for awhile) but I will again one day.
Having dinner with my family, especially right after my dad is back from a trip, we usually have yummy food, like steak and there is lots of catching up….(with coffee afterwards of course)
These might all seems like superficial things…but there are what came to mind, there are all the obvious things I enjoy that I’m not going to go into (like mike and kael and so much about them and my relationship with them) these are just the simple things. Hope you all get to do something today that you enjoy, that just makes you feel like ‘you’.

nothing big

wel....after that last post, i think he slept another great night and now he has not been so great at sleeping..the past few nights have been a bit difficult. so me and mike are operating on not very much sleep. it's not so bad but some mornings it' shard to get out of bed, but no matter what he's like in the middle of the night, in the morning, he's smiling and talking to himself and wants you to get up and play with him....and you can't help but fall in love with him all over again. my eyes are burning cause i am so tired, but life goes on. i'm not really taht upset about it. i don't have much 'work ' to do this week, so i can sit an denjoy kael and read and take naps with him if i need to. i'm dreaming about finally getting a place, last night i went to sleep dreaming about bedding and decorating. one month from today and we get to go back to the states..i'm so excited. and in less than 2 weeks we at least get to move upstairs where we will have our own flat, ( our own bedroom and one for kael, and a kitchen, living room and a table to eat at) oohhh the luxury. it's amazing how you appreciate the small things.
congrats to my dear friends wade ad jo who gave birth to a lovely baby girl....wish i could be there to see her, hold her and cook and clean for you ....love you dearly!!!!!
well, that's about it, nothing big, not much new.

minor miracle..:)

last night, kael slept more hours in a row than he has any other night and not in our bed!! he went to sleep at 630. slept until 11:30 i fed him and he went back to sleep .no crying! then slept until 3am, i fed him again and he woke up at 8am for the morning...
i haven't slept that many hours in a row since my early pregnancy..:) i feel much better.....sleep is a wonderful thing...
here''s a pic..he's going to start eating soon, maybe today or tomorrow.. fun times, he's so great and cute...i love him. i'll post some more pics soon...

another year has come and gone.....and i'm 27

27 is kind of a weird age. it seems alot older than 26, it definitely feels closer to 30. and i was thinking..what have i done with my life?? i am married and i do have a kid..so that is something...ut it's not like you can really set out to accomplish those things..either you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or you dont'..and once you find them, you actually take the plunge....and having a kid...well, that was hard work and still is...but so worth it. my first birthday as a mom...:) kind of funny..he was pretty good, i even got a card from him ( of course he doesn't know that....and mike wrote in it..but sweet none the less) we spend the day in glasgow,...nice to get out of here for awhile.....sent to starbucks..so yummy and such a treat...and mike ran into a guy he went to morocco with..that was fun. and let's see.....he's out getting a movie for us right now, as little kael is sleeping...we are just spending the evening in..having yummy treats and relaxing..kael is already sleeping so that's nice. i got some nice cards from people..no presnts though...my mom's package didn't come.....and mike is just giving me money cause he was goign to buy me a nice watch but our budget is a bit tight and scotland isn;'t that cheap.....so you know, but i have some cash to buy something i want..i just don't know what i want....anyways.....birthdays for me are always a little bit of happiness and dread all mixed in one.....i feel like somethign must've happened to me at some pont in my life because my biggest fear and disappointment is being forgotten or feeling not important.....i knew i wasn't anything this year though, and i tried to really not let things get to me.i just wanted to enjoy the day..and for the most part i did, there was one little thing that got to me and i cried but i'm not letting it take over my day. or my night. as a mother it's weird to think that on this day 27 years ago my mother gave birth to me, not just me, but that she went through labor..:) it really is miracle giving birth and life and God is amazing really. ( my mom only had about 4 hrs of labor as oppossed to my 39 or something..lucky her) anyways....thanks mom for giving birth, thanks for choosing to have me, when others did not keep theirs, thanks for loving me then and now and i know you will love me always..i appreciate you in more ways than ever now that i have a baby. and thanks for loving my child....and dad. thanks to you too, i woudn't be here without either one of you..:) well my dear friends and family..i miss you today.